:(

I'm tired of not having rides. I'm so disappointed that I can't go to the Puyallup Fair tomorrow, it's supposed to be 70 degrees! I'm not mad though like last time when Josh bailed out on us the morning of the plan, this time it's just that Hannah's sister can't make it back in time to give us a ride and at least we know the day before we were planning to go (tomorrow). But I'm just really sad and disappointed, I was so looking forward to the rides and the FOOD at the fair.

Seriously, if I could drive... we would have gone already. I'm so sick and tired of missing out on SO MANY things just because of no transportation, like Lupe Fiasco concert, a bunch of events in Seattle, and now the fair... SO FRUSTRATING AND DISAPPOINTING.

Sad face.

What I fucking hate.

I hate how I can't drive, and neither can the majority of my closer friends. I'm so damn tired of not going to a hangout or special event because I have NO RIDE. Especially today because I was so fucking excited to go to the fair, since I wanted fair food and to go on rides and to see him since I haven't seen him or actually the rest of TPC for months to a year. But no, Josh fucking bailed out THIS MORNING and had the stupidest excuses. Even though it's far, I have no sympathy because he could have said 'No' days ago. Instead, he chooses to flake an hour before we were going to leave. Not to mention it was nice weather.

I wish I could drive damn it. And I need a fucking job.

On point.

http://www.colorquiz.com/quiz.php

Your Existing Situation

"Craves change and new things, always looking for new adventures and activities. Becomes restless and frustrated when she has to wait to long for things to develop. her impatience leads to irritability and a desire to move on to the next project."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

"Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence."

His arrogance causes her to take offense quickly. Only those closest to her know deep down she is sensitive and sentimental.

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

Your Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Your Actual Problem

"Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other."

Thoughts of 2am.

Priscilla kept asking him, "Do you like Michelle?" He kept avoiding the question. He'd say "I like talking to her.." but never a direct yes or no. Trying to change subjects, never a real answer. Eventually he said, "Hmm okay you can say I do? Lol!" What does that even mean, it's like a reluctant admittance after much force from Priscilla, so I'm not taking that as an answer.

But how he'd keep saying "I like talking to her.." makes me think, Do I even really like him? Or do I just really like TALKING to him? When I really do think about it, I'm still back in that stage months and months ago where I questioned if I really even knew him. What the hell do I know about him? That he's Filipino and hates working at DQ and has the worst sleeping habits in the world. I know he is a wonderful human alarm clock for me, saved my academic butt five times, and talks to me even while playing COD. I know he always sends an average of a 2-page text to me, I know he says Lol after pretty much every sentence, and puts those annoying spaces before practically all of his punctuation marks. I know he can make himself stay up late just to beat me, hence in the ten months we've been talking he's always slept later than me. It's always his good night, and my good morning. I know he cusses less when he talks to me for some reason, he loves Pokemon, Bleach, and Naruto and is like a kid even despite his constant denials.

Okay, so maybe I know a bit about him. The facts, the basics. But I never know what goes on in his head. I never know what he's feeling because for us it's all just fun and games, we can never have a really in-depth conversation. I can't talk about beliefs, religion, my opinion on so many deeper topics. I have no idea if he's had a past love life, I have no idea on a lot of things. If I tell him I like him, we think it's a game with different levels from hate to dislike to like to love to superlove. It's come to the point where so many things can't be taken seriously, like if he says a compliment or something sweet I feel like there's a "Just kidding" or "sike!" after it. It's so funny, we've talked for so long every single day, but in actuality our communication is pretty vague. Always beating around the bush.

So do I like him? Or do I just like talking to him? For months I thought it was the former, even now I still do just because that's what I've convinced myself of. Maybe, just maybe though, I should start believing the latter.

I really just don't know. See, this is what happens when I'm left to my thoughts late at night.

I feel like there's still so many things I want to get to do before this summer ends. I guess technically I don't really start until September 20th, but I still have just first period starting September 7th. Anyways, this has been the best summer ever and there's still lots left on my summer to-do list. I still want a Seattle adventure with close friends. I want a movie night with Silla, Lynn, and Arnette. I want to go to Kerry Park at night! I want some bonfires since I haven't been to a single one all summer, how crazy is that? I want to chill with the Renton guys like we did back in October. I want to have a pig-out day with someone. This list practically goes on forever, but the point is I want to spend time with my loved ones. I want to keep having fun! It's not like all the fun will disappear once school starts, but I won't have such a flexible schedule like I do now. Plus I want to get a job the moment I turn 16, and then I definitely won't have much time left for hanging with friends.

Summer is disappearing and I'm extremely sad, this has been the best summer of my life. Just going out when I feel like it, only kicking it with the people that really matter.

I'm lame.

I feel like such a little girl, so easily amused by you. There’s nothing even special about you, but for some reason I still smile when I read your messages. I probably look like such a dork because sometimes you say something that gets me hella cheesin’, so I’m just this weird person smiling at a little screen in my hand. We’ve been talking for so long, like pretty unbelievably long, and even after talking every day for all this time, I don’t get bored. Other people, I get tired after exchanging like ten text messages. This really says something, I’m pretty infatuated with you.

Yup, I sound like a little girl, which is a good thing because little girls get happy over the littlest things.

Fucking bitch.

Everyone knows I don't cuss, but I don't give a fuck right now, what a fucking bitch. I hate my dad's sister right now. It's too personal to explain on this blog, but wow, just wow. Try to take advantage of my mom saying she doesn't really have a job so she should take care of grandma 24/7, just because you don't want to spend money THAT'S NOT EVEN YOURS on a caretaker for grandma. You are an ungrateful selfish bitch that tries to look like "such a good daughter who cares so much about her mom" when really you just want to keep the money yourself and completely ignore the fact that my mom has a life of her own and can't watch over grandma all the time. She already has been spending half of her days looking after her, and they're not even blood-related. You just want to manipulate the money and expect my mom to always look after grandma when we can easily HIRE A CARETAKER with the money grandma gets each month from the government.

I'm so heated right now. Fuck you and you are the most shady person I've ever met. My mom is hella sacrificing and you just try to take advantage of it. I agree with mom, you are just pure "bullshit" (her words, not mine).