I noticed.... I write differently between all three blogs! My private LiveJournal, everything is COMPLETELY casual and unstructured and my thoughts are everywhere because those are for my eyes only anyways, with emotions as raw as can be. Then here, I'm still all over the place but I try to keep things in okay form, somewhat readable to whoever views this. Then in Tumblr, I clean it up. Not sugar-coating anything or changing the content of what I write of course, but I'm more cautious about HOW I say what's on my mind. It's practically like the different stages of writing an essay--LiveJournal is the brainstorming, Blogspot is the rough draft, and Tumblr is the final draft.

I don't think that means I base what I write depending on if I have an audience or not, it's just that I know when to control how I write. If I just spilled my feelings out onto a post on Tumblr like how I do on LiveJournal, it'd be a mess. I don't need my thoughts so completely out there in the open, there's just some things I prefer to do in secrecy or behind the barriers of my own mind.

So I was going through my drafts in my Tumblr... and came across a "Bucket List" that was sort of being put together months and months ago. It wasn't really anything, just a couple of tasks on it, because at the time it was this big idea of all the stuff we wanted to accomplish together. "We" as in, PLTM.

I guess now it'd take a miracle for anything at all on this short bucket list to be crossed out. PLTM is so dead... and I'm fairly certain it won't ever be raised back up. Anyways, now the point of this post is that I think the fact that I will never have another PLTM moment in my life fucking sucks. I'm still friends with each of them individually, but I can't do it as a whole. Why? Because stupid shit and drama and people holding grudges and people having too much pride to forgive and stupid boys and stupid one-sided hatred that leads to further shit-talking and blah fucking blah. I don't know about others, but I am one extremely forgiving person. I may not give my trust out like candy, but I sure as hell always, ALWAYS forgive people even if they do shit or hurt me or whatever. I honestly think with all my heart that holding grudges is one of the STUPIDEST, MOST SELFISH acts ever. Especially when you start acting upon those grudges and making everyone hold that same grudge, just because you hate that person so much. Seriously, I mean if you don't even have the decency to just forgive a person, at least keep your little hatred to yourself. And damnit.. just FORGIVE. The Bible makes that such a vital lesson, and yet so many stupid people have too much pride to follow that counsel. People make excuses, "Oh but they really hurt me" and "I went through so much pain because of him/her". Yes, I have sympathy for you and maybe they put you through a lot, but my gosh, Jesus forgave the people who murdered him! Jesus forgave EVERYONE and they put him through situations a billion times worse than any living human can imagine. So suck up and just forgive. Forgive forgive forgive.

Okay wow I went way off topic. I'm just writing as thoughts come and go so blah. Anyways, I just hate how PLTM will probably never share another memory as all four of us together, because I really did have some of my best memories when we were with each other. Now there's all this damn tension and I just hate it because it's over petty drama.

I really like him. I don't know why but I do. His messages still never fail to make me smile and laugh. He's so quiet about his feelings and whatnot though, but now that I think about it, that's probably why I like him.

We don't really flirt much, or compliment each other much, or do anything lovey-dovey at all, now that I think about it. Just every once in awhile, a sweet comment makes it way through conversation and I'm left smiling. I believe that's why I began to like you, the subtlety of it all. You see, usually when I have my mind set on something, it takes quite a bit for me to deviate from the path I set for myself. I recall making a commitment to try my hardest to not like anyone during my high school years. I made myself have these high standards so that no one can match or surpass it. If a guy started flirting or if I noticed a guy paying a different kind of usual attention to me, I'd drift away or put a barrier around myself because it was easy to just tell myself to not fall for that person, not that I ever even felt tempted to fall for anyone in the first place. It was really easy for me. Even now, I still have that similar self-control to a large amount of my emotions... just not all obviously. Honestly, I never wanted to start liking you. No wait, scratch that, I never even expected to like you, so even the slightest infatuation didn't cross my mind for the longest time. Seriously, I didn't even know you existed until this past school year, and the only thing I viewed you as the first time we exchanged greetings was the guy that was supposed to pay for my movie ticket, to a movie I didn't even really care about. I only went because your friend who introduced us practically forced me to go and I had no other plans that night. We didn't even talk to each other that night, except for like five words. Then afterwards we just happened to text each other each day, but still no biggie. They're just text messages. Text messages for months on the daily, but still just text messages right? Soon enough though, even talking to you through these little words on a cell phone screen became a habit, an essential to each day. We began to talk on the phone every once in awhile, and before I knew it we would talk for hours even though our talks were and still are light-hearted conversations with too many laughs. Even up to this point, everything is so incredibly gradual that I've still never even told you I like you. But like I said, I'm fairly certain part of the reason behind my like for you is all that gradualness. It feels somewhat hard to explain, but I know it's true. Possibly more than friends, but very far off from being a couple. Maybe even stuck in this phase, yet I like it. I don't know, but let's just say that even though this is friendship/relationship is going possibly nowhere, I'm still happy and content.

I really don't post here enough.

Maybe... I'll slowly start transitioning from Tumblr to Blogspot. Everything on Tumblr is starting to look the same, other than those few favorites. I keep it for those Thirty Day Challenges and whatnot, but seriously I'm just reading the same things over and over. The one's I loved to read the most, like Elmon's, LJ & Brigitte's, etc. are leaving just the same and old favorites from summer 2009 are practically gone. Even a few who's posts I used to love are starting to become artificial, at least in my eyes. I don't know, everything is just ugly to me. I no longer get inspired to write due to the content of what I see on my dashboard. If I cleaned it out and kept my favorites though, I'd have one hella slow-moving dashboard because the goodies post less and less there.

Even after tumblarity went away months ago, people still write for the likes, the reblogs, the follows. Damn annoying.

Thank goodness for Blogspot and LiveJournal, you've been with me from the start ;)

Finals!

I... am currently dying. I just finished my self-portrait a couple hours ago and had to study for English final book test on Night which is tomorrow. I need to finish my AP Euro powerpoint, poster, and propaganda poster tomorrow with Lynn since it's due Tuesday. I have my Precalculus and Chemistry final Wednesday, but I got church Tuesday night so I really have no idea how the heck I'm going to study enough for both tests.

I'm dying from all this crap! I'm already exhausted and the week hasn't even started yet.

After Wednesday though, I'm free! Unlike others who still will have finals in other classes. Thursday I'll pack for the California trip. On Friday I plan on skipping with Lynn and we're going to bus it to Seattle and have a day of chillin' and fun. We might possibly chill with the Renton guys? Not sure. But then later in the day we'll have the dance team banquet and at night possibly karaoke with other people. Saturday, I got church in the morning, Ellie's graduation at 1pm, her graduation party 4:30pm, going to leave early and go to Lynnwood's graduation 7pm. Then going to pull an all-nighter that night since I'll have to leave for the airport real early in the morning anyways.

My week is so filled and hectic! I haven't even fit in a day to hang out with Priscilla and Tiffany and Grace :( Maybe Wednesday night... hmm. I'll figure something out!

Lucky?

Everywhere, I constantly see people talk about how they don't want to be in an actual relationship, but they want all the things that make up a relationship, like having someone special to call anytime/anywhere, someone to talk to late at night, someone to text all day, someone to do all that lovey-dovey stuff with--yet do that all with out the commitment. A little more than a friendship, but less than a relationship.
I guess in a sense then, I'm one of those lucky ones that actually has that? Well sort of. I can call him anytime, anywhere practically, except for when he's at work or I don't want to bother him because I think he should sleep instead. I've texted him everyday for almost eight months now. We talk on the phone at least a couple times each week for hours at a time, up until 4am or later.
I think our friendship thing is unusual though even for this type of situation. Both of us never have (maybe never will) told each other that we like each other, and it's funny because I don't really mind. I think when I first realized I liked him, I was really curious to know if the feelings were mutual but now that time has passed, to me it doesn't matter because I'm not going to pursue this anyways. If he does like me, things will still stay the same. If he doesn't like me, things will still stay the same. Who knows, maybe he doesn't even like me at all like that, but I actually don't care. I remember when Sophia asked me, "Are you and Luis talking?!" I honestly had no idea how to answer it because it was like yeeeah? No? I don't know? Haha me and Luis never talk about this kind of stuff, we just joke around mostly. Also, with the friendship-relationship thing, a lot of people probably want the sweet-talking that comes with a relationship, to be able to hear that exchange of lovey-dovey compliments. With us? None of that ever! Instead, we talk about who hates the other person more or who's fatter. We argue over who knows more Powerpuff Girls, Pokemon, Disney... Maybe on occasion a compliment comes up or something really sweet is said in conversation, but that's like really rare hahaha. The most "lovey-dovey" sort of thing we've done is... our pick-up line war? HAHA, like I said, we really don't do all that sweet stuff. And when he says good night, each time he puts a "<3" next to it. Seriously, that's about as close as we get haha. Do I care though? Not at all, actually I wouldn't want someone to talk to me sweetly 24/7, whether he's a real lover or not, because then those comments lose meaning over time. And in the end, I still have that someone to call even at 4am if I'm really bored and don't feel like sleeping. I still have someone to call to help make sure I don't fall asleep so that I can finish a project or stay up studying.

I guess to add on to the so-called "luckiness", also out of all the TPC guys he's actually one of the better ones. He's only gotten drunk a couple/few times, unlike Don and Jammy who get drunk like every other weekend. And apparently when he's drunk, he doesn't go crazy like majority of people, instead he concentrates even more and goes quiet and just sits down and think. Weird huh! I don't know, I've never witnessed it of course so he said he'd call me the next time he ever gets drunk, but then again that will probably be really far away from now. He doesn't smoke yucky, disgusting, repulsive cigarettes (actually he's never even tried it), which is like one of the biggest turn-offs to me. He's tried weed once but never smoked it again. And I know these aren't just lies he's feeding me about this, because I've talked to Ton and he says that it's all true. I like how out of all the Renton guys, I actually talk to the two guys who are "better" morally and in self-control.

Amen.

Wow, I agree with this video so much, it's crazy. This is actually a real big reason on why I don't want to date while in high school. A lot of people think I'm crazy for viewing matters in this way, with marriage in mind for dating, but that's the exact thing--marriage is NOT in my mind at this age. I'm so young and have so much to experience (not in love life, but life in general). And exactly BECAUSE of that, I don't want to date. Even with Pogo, even though I really like him, I don't want that commitment of a relationship or to be tied down. There's a real legit reason behind my so-called "odd" promise to myself to not want a boyfriend during high school, maybe even college.

But yeah, that video explains it all really well. A MUST-watch.