Thoughts of 2am.

Priscilla kept asking him, "Do you like Michelle?" He kept avoiding the question. He'd say "I like talking to her.." but never a direct yes or no. Trying to change subjects, never a real answer. Eventually he said, "Hmm okay you can say I do? Lol!" What does that even mean, it's like a reluctant admittance after much force from Priscilla, so I'm not taking that as an answer.

But how he'd keep saying "I like talking to her.." makes me think, Do I even really like him? Or do I just really like TALKING to him? When I really do think about it, I'm still back in that stage months and months ago where I questioned if I really even knew him. What the hell do I know about him? That he's Filipino and hates working at DQ and has the worst sleeping habits in the world. I know he is a wonderful human alarm clock for me, saved my academic butt five times, and talks to me even while playing COD. I know he always sends an average of a 2-page text to me, I know he says Lol after pretty much every sentence, and puts those annoying spaces before practically all of his punctuation marks. I know he can make himself stay up late just to beat me, hence in the ten months we've been talking he's always slept later than me. It's always his good night, and my good morning. I know he cusses less when he talks to me for some reason, he loves Pokemon, Bleach, and Naruto and is like a kid even despite his constant denials.

Okay, so maybe I know a bit about him. The facts, the basics. But I never know what goes on in his head. I never know what he's feeling because for us it's all just fun and games, we can never have a really in-depth conversation. I can't talk about beliefs, religion, my opinion on so many deeper topics. I have no idea if he's had a past love life, I have no idea on a lot of things. If I tell him I like him, we think it's a game with different levels from hate to dislike to like to love to superlove. It's come to the point where so many things can't be taken seriously, like if he says a compliment or something sweet I feel like there's a "Just kidding" or "sike!" after it. It's so funny, we've talked for so long every single day, but in actuality our communication is pretty vague. Always beating around the bush.

So do I like him? Or do I just like talking to him? For months I thought it was the former, even now I still do just because that's what I've convinced myself of. Maybe, just maybe though, I should start believing the latter.

I really just don't know. See, this is what happens when I'm left to my thoughts late at night.

I feel like there's still so many things I want to get to do before this summer ends. I guess technically I don't really start until September 20th, but I still have just first period starting September 7th. Anyways, this has been the best summer ever and there's still lots left on my summer to-do list. I still want a Seattle adventure with close friends. I want a movie night with Silla, Lynn, and Arnette. I want to go to Kerry Park at night! I want some bonfires since I haven't been to a single one all summer, how crazy is that? I want to chill with the Renton guys like we did back in October. I want to have a pig-out day with someone. This list practically goes on forever, but the point is I want to spend time with my loved ones. I want to keep having fun! It's not like all the fun will disappear once school starts, but I won't have such a flexible schedule like I do now. Plus I want to get a job the moment I turn 16, and then I definitely won't have much time left for hanging with friends.

Summer is disappearing and I'm extremely sad, this has been the best summer of my life. Just going out when I feel like it, only kicking it with the people that really matter.

I'm lame.

I feel like such a little girl, so easily amused by you. There’s nothing even special about you, but for some reason I still smile when I read your messages. I probably look like such a dork because sometimes you say something that gets me hella cheesin’, so I’m just this weird person smiling at a little screen in my hand. We’ve been talking for so long, like pretty unbelievably long, and even after talking every day for all this time, I don’t get bored. Other people, I get tired after exchanging like ten text messages. This really says something, I’m pretty infatuated with you.

Yup, I sound like a little girl, which is a good thing because little girls get happy over the littlest things.

Fucking bitch.

Everyone knows I don't cuss, but I don't give a fuck right now, what a fucking bitch. I hate my dad's sister right now. It's too personal to explain on this blog, but wow, just wow. Try to take advantage of my mom saying she doesn't really have a job so she should take care of grandma 24/7, just because you don't want to spend money THAT'S NOT EVEN YOURS on a caretaker for grandma. You are an ungrateful selfish bitch that tries to look like "such a good daughter who cares so much about her mom" when really you just want to keep the money yourself and completely ignore the fact that my mom has a life of her own and can't watch over grandma all the time. She already has been spending half of her days looking after her, and they're not even blood-related. You just want to manipulate the money and expect my mom to always look after grandma when we can easily HIRE A CARETAKER with the money grandma gets each month from the government.

I'm so heated right now. Fuck you and you are the most shady person I've ever met. My mom is hella sacrificing and you just try to take advantage of it. I agree with mom, you are just pure "bullshit" (her words, not mine).

"Endings are never easy. I always build them up so much in my head that they can’t possibly live up to my expectations and I just end up disappointed. I’m not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end. I guess it’s because we all want to believe that what we do is very important. That people hang on to our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better."

--Scrubs

I don't know why I'm in such a bitter mood today, but I am. The tiniest, littlest things are irritating me. Maybe it's really from the fact that my brother doesn't get punished whatsoever from talking on the phone at 3:30am to a girl, while I have the most stupid punishment of not using my phone/laptop past 11pm for the rest of summer, when all I did was talk on the phone at 4am. Jordan also missed church the next day but nooope, nothing happens to him. I know it's really foolish to be so frustrated with something so minor, but no, this isn't minor to me. It just goes to show how unfair my mom is being, not to mention she has been my ONLY source of stress this whole summer. Do you know how much I want to talk to certain individuals late at night, yet I can't because I'm so paranoid my mom will barge in my room and get super pissed off for using my phone past 11pm? She says she trusts my brother more and blah blah, well you know what? HE DID THE SAME ACTION AS ME and got absolutely no yelling from her. This just aggravates me like no other. Add in the stupid rain today even though it's the middle of fucking August and being stuck at home all day other than the gym, and I'm in just an extremely negative mood. Plus at the gym, my mom got mad at me for texting while I was WORKING OUT. I was on the StairMaster and she got all mad because I should be holding on to the railing for safety and blah and was like, "Stop texting! You're texting all the time! Learn to control yourself!!!!!" which just really pissed me off because I can't even use my phone past 11pm, why can't I text while on the StairMaster! Also, actually I pretty much only text two people and don't even text them that constantly, while Jordan is on his phone 24/7 and texts 93845029842 times more than me. Damn, I love Jordan but I hate how he gets better treatment for no reason. He's 19 years old but this summer he doesn't have a job, he plays Halo all day, just watches anime, and is on his phone all the time. He's not getting punished whatsoever for anything, while my mom constantly yells at me for stupid little things while I'm actually the one attempting to be productive by redoing my room and cleaning the house.

Seriously, this is so not good for my health. Plus it's making me cuss more under my breath and this profanity slips out more often, all because I'm so damn tired of all this bs.

Ever since coming back from California, I feel so productive! It's like six weeks with no obligations or responsibilities makes me want to actually get some things done before summer comes to an end. Other than just chillin' with friends every day, I really want to renovate my room. I have ideas already and have sorted through a lot of my photos on what to print. Plus, I'm going to get my artwork matted so that I can display them, and I'm going to put panels up and paint them too. Ahhh I'm so excited because I already have this all planned out in my head! Hahahaha. I also need to find a decent picture of mom and dad because as a belated anniversary gift I want to draw portraits of them. I could probably finish it within a day, but I need to find a decent photo and some time where my mom won't be home so that she can't see me making the portraits.

Random post but oh welps. I'm just reeeeally loving this summer!