What do you do when your own best friend speak so negatively about another best friend?

I love them both so much and I don't know what to think as I'm just caught in the middle. I don't know if you'll read this, Priscilla, but yesterday night when you were telling me all that stuff about you-know-who (actually I think you're the only one who actually reads this blog at all so it wouldn't even matter if I mentioned the name)... I felt pretty damn hurt that you would say that about her. Yeah I know some of your reasoning is justified, but you know me, I'm an extremely forgiving person and that's just the way I am. I can honestly say that you-know-who is someone I consider a very best friend, even if her personality isn't what plenty of people consider appropriate. I don't know... I just look through that, I look past the flaws--actually no, I don't look past them, I simply just accept them, because I think that's what a true friendship involves. Obviously it's not your fault if you feel "judgmental" or "selfish" with your viewpoints on her, because you haven't bonded with her as much as I have, the same way I haven't bonded with Tiffany as much as you have. I could honestly state my own complaints about certain people but then I choose not to because I know that I only have a one-sided perspective and don't know what the full story is of every situation. I haven't gotten close enough to those certain people to have a right to talk badly about them.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. But uh yeah, Lynn is my best friend. I mean of course not up to the same level as you with our friendship starting so long ago and us having done so much together in thick and thin, but it still hurts to hear that you and Tiffany feel this way about Lynn. Imagine if I just vented to you and said HELLA shit about Tiffany. Well yeah, that's how I feel right now.

I wonder how long this feeling will last. I wonder if this is all just temporary, an emotion ready to disintegrate the moment I want to rely on someone else to keep me company. People say you "fall out of love," but I already know I'm not in love, I'm stationary at mere infatuation and I don't mind. I don't want it to go any further than this and I'm satisfied. I have enough self-control to not want a relationship out of this, and even at this very moment, if I was asked out (but I'm sure that'll never happen, just hypothetically speaking) I could easily say "No."

Yet, I know that I do like him, funny how things turned out this way. I go three years not liking anyone, and I end up admiring this guy through text messages and later phone calls. I lose sleep over this dork, like how I slept at 5:50am two nights ago. Not very smart of me, I know, but I can't really say I regret it. Oh well, I got sick anyways and stayed home all day, while he ran on three hours of sleep the entire day with school and six-seven hours of work. Plus he had to study for a physics final for the following day. I would be deeeead if I were him aha. He was so tired last night when I woke him up at 4am, 5am, and 6:30am... He kept putting off his studying! Had to yell at him to get up out of bed and study for his test, since it's worth triple points.

Anyways, I wonder how long this will last. These late night phone calls, these daily text messages, the occasional hangouts every few months, him being my human alarm clock and saving me academically (like five times now x_x). Because after this school year, he's done with high school and I'll be moving forward too. Actually he's just going to community college and I'll just be doing Running Start, but a lot can change over a summer, right? Especially with the fact that I won't even be in Washington for more than half the break. I'll just be grateful with what I have now though, I'm appreciative that I actually have someone to talk to at three in the morning, someone to attempt "all-nightys" with on Saturdays and in the summer, someone to fill up the inbox on my phone. But if I don't want this to go anywhere and don't want a relationship, how long can this really go? Because I don't want it to end, but it's probably not the best idea to hold on to this if either of us want to move forward with life.

"God has a plan."

I do not believe in destiny. I don’t believe God has a “plan” for everything. I know a lot of people, when something great happens, say “It was God’s plan for this to occur” or when something terrible happens, they say “It’s probably part of God’s plan, he has something better in store for me.” But here’s the thing—if God has a plan for everything and everyone, doesn’t that completely conflict with the idea that God lovingly gave us free will? In Hebrews 10:16 it says, “If we practice sin willfully after having received the accurate knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice for sins left.” Obviously God gave us this warning so that we’d make the right decisions, but if He already planned our life or the events that happen in it, what’s the point of leaving us with any warning or direction? What’s the point of leaving us his Word, the Bible, for us to learn from and to incorporate into our lives if no matter what happens is out of our control? Not to mention 1 John 4:8 says “God is love,” and if people got punished for decisions that were already “planned” by God for them to make, that wouldn’t be loving at all. The point is, free will completely contradicts the idea of destiny, or the idea of God having a plan. Each day we’re faced with decisions and we have to use our own free will to choose which way to go—to do wrong-doing or not, to commit a sin or not, to go to church or not. Now, why in the world would God plan for a person to do an immoral act? Why would He plan for people to die for no reason at all? Why would he plan for certain people to commit crimes, commit murders?

I can go super deep into this, but I’ll stop for now.

Golden Gardens.

Doing this hangout today required so much effort and planning on my part just because of strict parents and those stubborn Renton guys not wanting to drive to Golden Gardens.

But it was worth it.

I mean, yeah nothing really big happened. But I seriously needed a day like this, because all week I've been in this weird mood and even though I had some little happy moments, I really feel relaxed now. Just a full day of no stress. Well maybe not full day, because I still had to plan even more during the early afternoon before going to the beach. After all that organizing and figuring out rides though, nothing troubling entered my mind. It's been so long since I've been at peace with myself and the people around me for this long of a time.

When we first got there, I have to admit it was a little... odd? For myself at least. It was like, even though all those Shoreline people are really fun and easy to get along with (no doubt there) I wasn't completely comfortable with them. Well it was the first time I met them so of course I felt like that hahaha. Poor little Peanut is afraid of volleyballs now :( Still had fun though!

I got to go on the swings! Mwahaha >:)

Then later when the Renton guys came, I was happy but at the same time I was like "ugh gross Don is smoking". When I finally decided to join their little bonfire, I only took a bite of one s'more for some reason. I wasn't hungry -___- which is weird because I was craving s'mores all week! I was actually really sleepy so I just used Pogo's shoulder as my pillow and then Lynn used me as her pillow. I feel bad for her, that phone call totally ruined her day which is why she wasn't that talkative. Anyways, I still had a really relaxing time just sitting around the fire. There's something about bonfires that soothes the mind, and it doesn't just give off warmth physically but mentally too. I was really tired though so I didn't talk much, just sang along to whatever song was playing from their speakers and Pogo didn't talk much either. Even when we went to go get paper and wood from his car (he parked so far and I didn't have my flip-flops -_-) we didn't say much. It wasn't awkward though or anything. So it was kind of like... even though I had a lot of fun and talked more with the Shorewood people, I felt more comfortable even though I was less talkative with the Renton guys.

Have to admit though, I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get to say bye to him :/

Pinnacle of bliss.

I've been genuinely happy and the feeling is just so bona fide and raw. It's not even that kind of happiness where it lasts the day just because I happened to do something exciting for a moment or two; this is like the internal happiness that gets ingrained from various elements, and it STAYS. I'm not even really sure what makes this feeling so different from the rest because nothing drastic has really happened, but every single burden is lifted other than some English homework.

It's probably the sunshine affecting my brain. There's that relief that the AP exam is over, and then on Friday I got to take a walk around the neighborhood with Peanut... wearing shorts! :D It was finally warm enough to not wear jeans or sweats all the time. For about a half hour, I walked Peanut with music blasting into one ear from my iPod, and on the other ear was my phone as I talked to Pogo. I just love taking walks so much, it eases the mind like no other and helps me get my mind off any problems. Even after I arrived home I still talked to Pogo though, which is odd because usually if I'm talking to him I say bye once I know my mom will see me on the phone, but this time I didn't. I simply went to my room and just continued talking for another 4o minutes or so before I left for the mall. Heh, we're planning a trip to the beach for next week! :D That night I also had a really wonderful talk with my mom as we went to the mall to eat, and then TJ Maxx to shop. She really is amazing, she sacrificed so much for Jordan and I. Six whole years of tough dentistry schooling in one of the top schools in Indonesia, only to throw the job away after two years of work. I feel sorry she's left with this thought in her head of whether or not it was a mistake to quit being a dentist. Actually, I don't want to repeat this story, I just wrote a really long post on Tumblr about it anyways. I'll post it up later.

Anyways, then on Saturday in the afternoon I played Powerpuff Girls on the GAMEBOY COLOR! It's so old, and the sounds are all jacked up haha. I felt like a little kid again as I beat Mojo Jojo with Blossom. Then later I went to LA Fitness with Mom and Jordan, except I really wasn't in a mood to work out and decided to walk around the Mill Creek area while they stayed in the gym. This time it really was just my music and me, because I didn't want to call Ton or Pogo since they were supposed to go to a debut at about that time. Seriously, I think taking walks out in the sun is the antidote to my stress, my regrets, my problems. All the clutter in my mind floats away and it doesn't even feel like I'm running away from problems--I'm getting rid of them by not caring what happens next. After my walk Pogo finally texted back haha, and from then on, my goodness I never texted so much within one night. We had a pick-up line war, but I obviously lost because I seriously don't know any and Google is a horrible source. He's got some super cute lines! It was pretty cute how it led up to the pick-up line war too:

(these are parts of the texts, relevant to the pick up line war)
Me (after talking about how I went on a walk): haha I didn't go anywhere, I just walked around doing nothing
Pogo: Oh sounds fun, too bad you're not walking on the beach, that would be better ha
Me: ahh I know huh, walking on the beach is <33, so relaxing!
Pogo: Yawpp you already know ;)
Me: Yeee get to walk on the beach next week :)
Pogo: Ha yawp you know what would be better? Walking on the beach with you ;) LOLOL
Me: Ahww, lmao that was sweet as starburst! Next saturdaaay ;D LOL
Pogo: You're sweet like cotton candy ;) and like sugar spice and everything nice hehe (since we were talking about Powerpuff Girls too)
Me: Shoot I got to step my game up, you're giving better compliments than me! Are you Jamaican? Cause you're Jamaican me crazy for you :D (lmfao this line always reminds me of Spencer by the way)
Pogo: Lol of course I give better compliments ha. Are you a ghost? Cause I think I want you to be my boo lol

Shoot I accidentally deleted a couple text messages haha. But he also had another line, it goes; "Will you be my circle?" "Your circle?" "Yeah because a circle has no beginning or end, it just goes on forever :)" THAT'S HELLA CUTE. Hahahaha. Cheesy lines for the win.

But now today, I am stuck at home all day to do homework. I don't care, I'm still internally happy with not a care in the world.

You know, I kind of wish I was asked to his prom. Lynn and I were looking at photos on Facebook and it actually looked pretty fun, and Lynn was saying how she kind of wishes she went when Don asked her to. I guess I could have gone 'cause Jammy asked me to go with Lukas, but I told him it'd be too awkward since I rarely even talk to him. I think Jammy arranged a lot of their dates haha, I mean Luis wasn't even planning on going until Jammy convinced all of them the week of prom. But yeah, sort of wish I could've been there.

But then again, I wouldn't have been diggin' the whole after-party and all the lying I'd have to do. I'd feel guilty because church is like the next day. I'm pretty sure I could've pulled it off though, haha. But like I said, I probably wouldn't have wanted to go to the after-party. Not because I'm a goody-goody or whatever, but that's just not my type of enjoyment.

You know what sucks about a crush or infatuation? Of course a one-sided love is heartbreaking, but even when the feelings of the other person are unknown, it gets the mind of the admirer too preoccupied. There’s that wonder whether the feelings are mutual or not, and the fear that the other person doesn’t feel the same way. The heart just sinks as it waits and waits in curiosity and terror. Infatuation is just too bittersweet.

I really do wonder though.

Late-night Ramble, don't mind me.

Today my phone died by lunchtime because I had forgotten to charge it last night since I fell asleep by accident. And I felt so dead without my phone, which is making me disappointed in myself. Why am I so damn reliant on a little cellular device?

I hate being too dependent on anything, including people. Not in situations where trust is involved or I need a shoulder to lean on, that's different. I'm talking about being too dependent on them in general. And that's why my little crush-infatuation thing I have is such a bittersweet feeling; I mean, after not liking anyone after how many years (and back then they were all just little elementary school crushes), the feeling of having a crush-infatuation is always warm and sweet. But for me it's also bitter because I hate how I feel like the day is not totally complete if we don't exchange at least a couple text messages. I hate how I felt so lost without my phone when it was only three periods left of school. Even last Friday when I went on my dinner date with Lynn, I forgot my cell phone at home and I was pretty bummed even though Mom let me use her phone for the night instead. I have to admit, I was extremely tempted to just text him using Mom's phone, but after I clicked "New Msg" and typed in the number, I was just like Pfft no, it's only for several hours anyways. I can go that long without texting anyone, I'm capable of it and need some self-control. I had a lot of fun though so luckily I got distracted, it was just really hard as I waited for certain sushi to come around and had nothing to do since Lynn was busy chewing and eating, while I watched the conveyor belt slowly move around the room.

It also is bittersweet because we never, ever talk about these sort of things. It's only mess around, tease, light topics, et cetera. Even with Ton or various people I've talked to on Tumblr, I've had at least one deep discussion with them. But with Pogo even after seven months? I can't recall a single one. And because of Ton, I know for a fact that Pogo gets really shy and doesn't like talking about girls or dates or whatever so I feel like I'll never know o_o I guess it's not that big of a deal since I only have a crush-infatuation type of feeling and don't even want to get into a relationship, but still, it'd be nice to know if the feeling is mutual at all. Just for the satisfaction of knowing.

It's pretty funny, I feel like it's too out-of-the-ordinary to talk about certain things with him, like if I asked him about girls, or tried directing the conversation into something more thought-provoking, you know? Both of us feel weird to even compliment each other since we constantly clown on each other every day hahaha. But since he kept calling me a bully, I told him I'd compliment him each morning to even it out, so his self-esteem doesn't get super low and he won't start cutting himself, HAHA. When I first started doing that though, just last week, I felt SO weird typing out something like "You're so amazing" and was tempted to laugh out loud as I typed that because it felt odd to say that to him. I mean, we never complimented each other for like seven months, so I had this reflex almost, to go and write "HAHA sike" after my compliment. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing, because it's not even that I don't feel comfortable talking to him, it's just that complimenting him was so different from my usual teasing him xD We're both cool with it now, I compliment him once in the morning and he compliments me back as a response, and then it's done! Yeeeeup we're weird.

What else is occupying my incredibly cluttered mind? I feel so out of it and disorganized because more than half my brain is just going "AH THE AP EURO EXAM IS NEXT FRIDAY" even though I haven't studied at all yet. I'll be sure to start studying tomorrow! Well also my grades are ugly, to me at least. It's completely straight A-'s and a B. From the last grading period though, I was able to get my C+ in Chemistry to an A- within one week, so I think if I start managing my time better and stepping up my game in school, I can pull off straight A's by the end of the semester... hopefully.