You know what I just noticed?

Oh dear. Major flaw of mine. I just realized that I always "need" to have a guy there to talk to. Of course I'm still not boy-crazy or want to be in a relationship, but I feel like I need a guy there to just... be there, you know? Someone to talk to on the phone late at night (since everyone else in the world is asleep -__-). Well I noticed it for this school year at least. I mean I had Pogo to text for a long time in the beginning of the school year, then he lost his phone. Then I talked to KK a lot through texting and talking on the phone since he always happened to be awake super late like me. And sometime in the midst of that Ton got me to text Pogo again haha. And we've had this never-ending conversation since November, until we decided to see if we can not talk to each other for a week xD Sometime in the middle of January, KK kind of just disappeared. I don't know really, I just know he got a lot of legal stuff to deal with. Now I've started talking to Ton through texting and we talked on the phone once, for an hour and 20 minutes... It's weird, I felt COMPLETELY comfortable talking to him. We have a lot in common haha.

Oh gosh what an epiphany for me today. I always thought of myself as independent but maybe not so much anymore :/

From Tiffany's Tumblr.

"FUCK! I really do fail.. Sorry" (Lol, saving this for future reference)

Excuse my language but shit I feel so stupid right now. I know I’m disappointing. I even disappoint myself but I felt so caught up in the moment and so angry that no one knew how I could have felt. Shit I don’t know if he was messing with my head. Which now I’m pretty sure after having a good conversation with him. I confronted him and was upfront about everything. He told me that I was saying shit to make him feel bad.

AS Well I’m sorry if it does, but I would never do that.. I’m just telling you straight up how it is and what I see. Cause you treated me like shit. You took me for granted. You kept me like your little puppy and left me there. I’m not saying your a bad person. I know you and who you are inside despite what ANYONE believes and I’ll still always love you. Not even despite of your flaws but also BECAUSE of them. I know your insecurities, but I have a TON of faith in you and I know you’ll do good and I hope you can have faith in yourself too. Cause if not, how would anything get anywhere. I even pray for you happiness at church, and ask God to watch over you. I care for you soo much, not like everyone has ever and you KNOW that. Yea, I was very hurt but you still made me happy. When you ask why love you when all you do is bring me pain? It’s not entirely true. You make me happy and I’m fighting with all my might to be able to be happy with you.

You really did take me for granted. And I always thought maybe you cared enough to put in the effort and try. You said we did twice and failed. But you could have at least change and learn from the mistakes so it wouldnt happen again if you really did or do want to be with me. Push away all the other girls instead of flirting with every one of them. It really does hurt that you dont like me enough to try and risk it but thats the way it goes.

I hope you know that, whether it include the “in” or not, I will always love you. No matter what happens. Now that we decided that its best to not talk, I hope we can come back stronger and better friends. That youd learn to open up and trust me and we can work through things together. I hope our closeness wouldnt be lost. Cause you are honestly someone I can feel so comfortable around and not have the worry to impress you like I feel towards everyone else. (sadly, yes, even my beloved girls. Im so glad to be able to have grown such a close bond with them, but I still feel the need to impress them cause Im not that interesting or fun to be around). But yea.. I hope our friendship isnt ruined after loss of communication. I am very thankful to have met you and you brought me where I am today. You taught me to not be ashamed of who I am and don’t hide myself, trying to fit in and act like someone Im not, just so people will like me better. Yes you taught me many things and I am thankful to you. It was worth the pain :) Just remember I have faith in you and believe in you. I know you can do great things and overcome a lot, but you just have to believe it yourself k? Love you

PLM My girls.. I am so fucking sorryyy. I dont know what came over me. I listened to what you said but chose not to believe it. He IS really a good guy, he just makes a lot of mistakes but who doesnt right? Dont be too harsh on him. I know I disappointed you guys and I disappointed myself too. I know you were mostly right and you were looking out for me. I am really thankful that I have people who care that much and love me that much :) I love you girls too. With a great passion ! heh I know what Ive been doing, and I know it seemed like I was constantly getting hurt, but I was happy. And I am pretty happy now. I know my stubborness is annoying and totally sorry for being such an ass but you still love me right??? hahah You girls are telling me straight up, all this shit so it will be better in the long run. I know. Your only doing whats best for me. And thanks for that. Im sorry :/ I LOVE YOU GIRLS ! (PS MICHELLE.. your blogs here and blogspot really do affect me. haha I love them and it makes me feel like im not alone :])

JF GAH FUCK. you dont even know that this shit has been going down with AS. Shit SO sorry that Im doing all this shit. I really do like you, but AS has been a big part of my life and my feelings for him were insanely strong. You really helped me forget about him and you truly make me feel pretty happy. No one has taken this affect on my besides AS in a LONG while.. Well obviously not as much as him. I pushed all the other guys out, but I really dont want to push you. I dont know. I do like you and want to try it with you. Your so funny and so non socially awkward. You make things fun and your pretty comfortable to be around. Not exactly AS level but you got pretty far REALLY fast. Like I can be stupid around you and joke around a lot and I feel like I dont even need to impress you and put on so much make up. And I kinda enjoy feeling more comfortable around you. YOU put in a lot of effort and your really sweet. I know you wouldnt hurt me.. but Im a little scared if I could ever to you.. Im soo sorryyy to be doing this and doubting you. Im a little scared of what could happen to us if things work out because your friendship is really important and your the REAL kinda guy who is considerate and wont lead girls on. You told me of your past relationships and that you never turn out friends in the end, but I wouldnt want to lose someone like you cause you are truly different than anyone Ive met. Im really glad I met you and Im happy to be with you but Im just really sorry.. And I dont even know if I deserve to be with someone like you. IM SORRYYYY

Dear Tiffany,

It's 2:30am right now and I'm writing this for you. Even though I'm tired and actually have tons of things I need to do by Monday (for school and church), for some odd reason I'm putting you first. Actually, that reason is because I care about you a lot.

I know I talked with you earlier but you already know for a fact that I write better than I speak. And for your sake, I'll refer to that fellow as just "he" or "him" without mentioning his name.

You already know I'm pretty disappointed in you... I know I sounded mad over the phone but I guess I was still flustered from learning that you spent time with him watching movies. And I know that me, Lynn, and Priscilla all sounded like we were just plain-out angry but of course it's because we want what's best for you! Lynn didn't even want to talk because she was so aggravated but didn't want to blow up on you. We just don't understand... you were so, SO close to letting him go. You say you've already let him go but I mean COMPLETELY let him go. If you actually did fully let him go, you wouldn't be so skeptical about not talking to him for a month. Just a month Tiffany! We're even giving you a week to talk things through with him. It sure might seem really hard now, but in the long-run it's for your own good. Trust me, I know what it's like to talk to someone so much where it feels like a daily routine. To the point where it feels like the day just isn't complete unless you at least have some sort of conversation. But a month? Just a month. You're worried that you guys will drift away and things won't stay the same. Well in a sense, that's kind of the point. Okay so first of all, if he really is this wonderful "best friend" that you speak of, he won't let a month of not speaking to you get in the way of the friendship. As long as you explain to him that you still want to remain friends after the month, he should still be there. If not, then you know what, he DEFINITELY is not even worth your time at all. A "true" friend that can't even wait a fucking 30 days? What kind of friend is that? Second of all, things shouldn't be the same after the month. Because by then your feelings POSSIBLY (hopefully) will have settled. He won't be that friend that you still have lingering feelings for, he'll be the friend that is just there like any other. He won't be that guy that makes you ride on a crazy emotional roller-coaster because you'll be off that stupid cart.

I've tried seeing it from your point of view, I really have. I mean of course I'd be just as confused, you had a lot of good memories with him. But I'm not telling you to forget them, go ahead and keep them. All I'm asking is that you stop dwelling on these pieces from the past. Stop trying to relive those moments by trying to spend more time with him. Sure in your eyes, it's not doing any harm but it sure as hell isn't helping the problem at all either. All it's doing is giving him the upper-hand and proving his own ideas true. He knows you can't let go of him. HE KNOWS. To him you're just a girl that keeps his fucking self-esteem up--in Lynn's words, his "booty call." Every single time you finally get out of his lingering grasp and breathe a fresh air of a world without him, he notices right away and pulls you back in before you're out of his sight. That's why just when it seems like you're happier, just when it seems like you aren't as reliant on him, he texts you with that whole I'm happy you're finally getting over me bullshit. And he gets mad about it. Like seriously, who does that?! Not just a "friend", that's for sure. He's trying to take advantage of you. He wants you to always be there for him because he knows that one day every other girl will see through his facade but then you'll still be there as a last resort. Yeah, you know how he is, so feel free do agree or disagree. Heck, you're closer to him than me obviously. But I still talk to him, I've known him for more than four years and so has Priscilla. My brother is even best friends with him, Tiffany. Even my brother knows that that's how he works.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of seeing you hurt. See it from our point of view Tiffany--our best friend hurt over and over again by the same guy. You're not the only one hurting because our hearts sink too each time we see a Facebook status like "I really need a hug right now" or "CURSES I'm upset and confused right now!" And we've seen these too many times. I hear about you going to bed crying or going to bed very frustrated or angry, and I don't want to see you go through this. I love you Tiffany and I don't want this stupid guy to be the one who impacts your emotions the most. YOU should be the one who controls your emotions, not him. But the thing is, you're LETTING him do this to you because you can't cut off communication with him!

I noticed whenever Silla, Lynn, or I said something on the phone, you automatically defend him. Why is that? I know you still care for him, but do you not see what he's done to you? All of that harm that's he has done to your heart and soul that has been going on for 9 months now. 9 MONTHS, see THAT is a long time, of him just pulling strings and playing with your already torn heart.

I saw on Tough Love, there's a woman there who has a "best friend" that she used to date (sounds familiar?). They were on and off--for 9 YEARS. She said she tells him everything and keeps contact with him still throughout all those years, claiming she still loves him even though the guy says no so she tries to suppress her emotions (sounds familiar again?). That guy kept her on an emotional rollercoaster for nine fucking years because there was never any closure. She felt like one day he'll take her back, but that didn't happen. The guy just kept her on a leash without ever really saying "I don't like you at all." Instead, the two of them just "went with the flow" and let whatever happen, happen. Tiffany, she was a grown woman! For NINE YEARS she got her heart played, and I'm worried if you don't start making the smart decision now, you'll end up like her. I don't want to see you crying so much for nine years, you deserve so, so , SOOOOOOO much better than that. You should be happy you got this other guy to help you, you know ;) At least you're making memories with him. But stop making more memories with the stupid guy! How in the world will you get over him if you keep doing things to remind yourself of him? Now each time you see a movie or see a fucking meatball you'll think of him. That's really not helping the situation Tiffany...

Each time we ask you, "Do you even want to get over him?" you always respond "....I don't even know..." And I'm pretty sure it's because you want to still stay friends with him, right? Well for your information, it's possible to get over the guy but still be friends with him! Just... at a later time. When we're pleading you to get over him, we're not saying to cut him completely out of your life. We're only saying to get some time alone without him so you can get your emotions together and allow your heart to stop liking him. He played your heart, you need to stop giving it to him like a damn toy. You're the one in control of who you talk to, and who you spend you're time with. There are 6 billion people in the world, why waste your days with him of all people?

I know this seems kind of overexaggerated just from your one movie hangout with him, but I guess this is what I've wanted to say for a long time. I'm not necessarily ridiculing you for your decisions, because what's done is done. But starting now the choices are still all yours and it's up to you if you'd rather listen to what your 3 best friends have to say or what your currently emotionally unstable heart has to say.

Again, I'm not here to tell you what you're feeling, or to say that I understand what you're going through because I don't. That's totally impossible. And I've always said this in the past, "You can't control your emotions. But you can control how you respond and handle them." And quite frankly Tiffany, if this has been going on for nine months and is still continuing, maybe you should change your approach with how much you're communicating with him.







All I'm asking for is one month.

Love, Michelle

What do you do...

When someone comes to you with their problems, and there's nothing you can say to really comfort them? For me that happens all the time. Of course I'm there with a listening ear, no doubt, but I wish I could do more. I wish I could twist those emotions back to a happy state. I want to be that person who turns the cry into a smile. But all I can do is just sit there and listen, and say "I'm sorry, I hope things get better." It's not like I'm going to make up some false lies or comfort, and go into denial about whatever is happening. I'm not going to say, "YES, things WILL turn out better" because I don't know that--no one knows that. Sometimes, all that does is bring hopes up, only to later realize that those wishes won't be fulfilled. I wish I could do more, I really do. But for now, I guess the person just has to live with the satisfaction of getting everything off their chest by telling their story to me.

PLTM.

We just four-wayed on the phone, and I think Lynn and Tiffany fell asleep? I can't really tell haha. Words cannot describe how much I love these ladies! Seriously, I can't imagine life without them now. I like how we keep everyone in check. If someone is doing something that the rest of us don't "approve" of we just straight-out tell her without fluffing it up with unnecessary comfort words, just the way I like it. We all have our really odd tendencies but that's what we love so much about each other. Sure, we might randomly outburst into song, make the funkiest noises, start staring into space all of a sudden, stay in the bathroom together as one person is showering, et cetera et cetera. But who else would I be able to do this with? No one. These girls right here keep me sane. Even though I usually don't have much to vent about, I know that if I ever do want to vent, I can rely on them. They don't judge me based off little actions I do, or how I act at the moment, but they "judge" me as a whole person. They know what I've done and what I do, so in a sense, they have a right to say what they think defines me.

I'm not kidding, I can do ANYTHING with these girls without having to worry about how I portray myself.

The pleasure of writing.

Fingers caressing the many letters of a keyboard, an eager mind displayed ever so eloquently onto a digital mirror. The reflection of a beautiful mind, in-depth eyes, moving lips of a silent shouting mouth. Bits and pieces filled with pure passion and inspiration, creativity flowing with a simple ease without force. Merely the genuine breath of a complex mind cluttered with myriads of words and thoughts, the mirror x-rays pass the bones and straight to the soul. A taste of written elegance walks past the tongue and whispers an amazing kiss of utter bliss.

My mind feels dead. My heart feels empty. My soul feels heavy.

There comes a point where so much negativity around me ends up attacking me, and I'm just sick and tired of it. I want to drift away to my own personal sanctuary and just live my life at ease.

Welcome.

I decided to make a new Google account and blog altogether. My other one--I'm following way too many Book Review blogs and I don't want to unfollow everyone because I feel like one day, when I'm really bored, I'll be back on that dashboard entering contests to get books. This one is more personal and I can also keep better track of the friends who have blogspots as well. Anywho, good evening mysterious visitors, enjoy your stay looking at the mind of Michelle Kuo.