Bleeeeeeeeeeh. Yeah, I like him quite a bit haha.

I would write more but I'm hella tired right now. Fuck, it's almost 3am and I didn't even notice! Good night.

I am so pathetic.

Letting the words of one person affect me so much.

Freakin' lame, whatever happened to me feeling all independent and all my emotions depended solely on myself? My gosh, those days are gone and I miss it. If I had that mindset still then I wouldn't feel like today fucking sucks.

Grow the fuck up.

I can tell from Facebook, I guess some other person/crew keeps hating on TPC? Seriously, what the hell, leave that drama and attitude for middle school and high school. You guys are all in college, who in the world brings that shit with them. I'm not talking about TPC, I'm talking about this other guy, Xavier or something? I click on his facebook page and all I see are statuses full of insults towards TPC. I'm not just saying this because I know people in the crew and am friends with them, but I find it so immature to be starting beef like that. Not like I'll ever know the full story or anything, it's just that by the time you're in college... one part that makes college so much better than high school is that you get to leave all that kiddish drama shit behind you. When I look at Xavier's page, there are SIX statuses hating on TPC within the last two days. Can you really get anymore low than that? When I look at Don's, Nam's, or just anyone else's page from TPC, I can tell they really just don't give a fuck and find this beef annoying as hell. This hate or whatever isn't consuming their time nor getting to them, so I don't see why this Xavier guy cares.

Damn, just go back to high school if you're going to act like that. Be like those freshmen that love attention and start something out of nothing.

So, we've been talking for a tiny bit more than a year now and nothing has changed. I still like him, he possibly likes me? I don't know. We were able to finally hang out this past Monday since I happened to be in Bellevue, even though it ended up being a lot of trouble for him :( But anyways, that night I'm with Priscilla and Lynn, and we're all talking about our days.

Priscilla was talking about how she purposely left him and I alone at the mall, and apparently she even texted him, "I'm giving you so many opportunities here!", encouraging him to make a move I guess. I had no idea at the time she even texted him -_- It's funny though, even though we were together at the mall for a few hours, nothing happened. We talked like normal and nothing was awkward, but in terms of making a move, we both didn't initiate anything. At night when Silla and Lynn were talking to me, Silla was all, "Did he even try to hold your hand?!" and I just replied, "nahhh."

I guess from any outsider's point-of-view, we're crazy for having talked this long, and yet absolutely nothing whatsoever has happened. He beats around the bush a lot and is a shy person in general, I already know. The weird part is... I don't even care. I don't care if he never holds my hand, I don't care if he never gets a hint, I don't care if we never kiss, and so on. I mean sure, of course it'd be nice if some things happened like cuddling to a movie or just holding hands, but to me it's not a big deal. Physical moves are just physical moves, and they either happen or they don't. For a lot of people they'd probably be frustrated or have given up by now, but the reason I don't care is because I don't want a relationship. When Silla and Lynn talked to me, they were saying how guys can never understand hints, and why is he so shy, etc. I totally agree with everything they say, and they asked me about what I think. I just replied, "Yup! But oh well, It don't matteeeer". It's not like I want a relationship so it'd be dumb to fuss over things that couples do. I'm content as is, with our never-ending conversations and super long conversations on the phone, even though those phone calls are so rare since I've been so busy.

Seriously, who cares. All the little benefits of a relationship like holding hands, kissing... those things are nice, and if they happened then sure I'd be happy, but I'm not going to be sad/mad if they never ever do. What's the point of trying to pursue the parts of a relationship if I don't even want a relationship?

Today I used the word douche.

Weird.
Anyways, I've been so happy despite being so busy! I know what awaits me so everything I'm doing now feels rewarding, even if my rewards are mere temporary blessings.
What I need to get done by tomorrow 4pm: Calculus take-home midterm & email it to teacher, Japanese Bunpoo quiz online, Japanese homework, Theocratic Ministry School Review for church, English final draft & submit it, Bible reading, Watchtower, clean make up brushes, charge camera battery, pack and prepare for Sunday, and possibly English homework assigned Monday & Tuesday.

So much to do, but I'm excited because the moment 4pm hits tomorrow, I'm going to have fun for 3-4 days straight :) Going to Silla's, and then Sam is giving us a ride to Kollaboration. Then on Sunday after church I go straight to school to leave for FLC/DECA conference! ahhhhhhhh that's going to be so much fun! Even though I'm still pissed that we don't get to stay at the hotel's there because some lame people who can't afford it are going on the trip, I at least get to stay at Lynn's house overnight with Silla since we're keeping that a secret from mom :D Hooray, sleepless nights with my two favorite girls!

Life is good.

Super shady.

I'm so irritated at my aunt on my dad's side right now. Never have I known such a fucking shady bitch, putting your greed for money/material possessions over family matters. Not to mention you don't seem to ever earn or deserve any of the money you get, you just fucking take it when it's convenient..

Like when your own mom is going through health problems, you just want to "help" so you can get her house under your name. Fucking shady, trying to look so helpful and caring. You're just a selfish, two-faced monster that wants money money money. I hate you, my parents are doing so much for grandma/YOUR mom and you don't care about her until you find out you can get something out of it yourself, like grandma's house.

Fuck you.

The cutest couples.

I honestly believe the cutest couples are the ones that somewhat act like kids. Where their idea of a date could just be spending a day at the park, watching a Disney movie, or going to the zoo. In public they barely show any PDA or none at all other than possibly holding hands. It does sound kiddish and immature, but from a bystanders point-of-view I think those relationships last the longest because the two individuals aren't attracted to each other for the mere physical aspect or for the kissing or for sex. Like Ann and Brian, it took them a whole year of liking each other before they decided to really call themselves girlfriend/boyfriend, and even now you'd never notice it at school because they never hold hands or hug or anything. Well, I'm sure they do when they're at each other's house, but you can tell that they just genuinely like/love each other; even their families like each other. Then there's Dalica and Gian, where they talked for months and after several months Dalica finally decided to be the "man" of the relationship and ask Gian out. Whenever I see them at school they are so adorable, and it was only just awhile ago when they started to hold hands in public. And knowing Dalica well, I know that she knows what she's doing and both of them aren't rushing anything because they like each other that much. Plus there's also Don and Sophia. I don't really know either of them too well but from what I've seen and heard, I'm pretty sure they'll last a long time and they are one of the cutest couples I've known. I almost feel like they're little kids, but not in a naive way.

Really, if you're willing to be in a relationship without all the touching, kissing, and typical physical benefits, obviously that means you're in like/love with the significant other's personality. And that means that nothing is rushed into, which results in longer-lasting relationships. Because physical attraction can only last a person so long.

Kisses.

Me: Clean my room and I pay you with cookies ^_^
Him: What do I look like to you -___-" with cookies....
Me: You look like da cookiez monstaaar :)
Him: How do I look like the cookie monster...
Me: Because you're blue and fuzzy and have googly eyes 8) hahaha sike! Fine if you're not a cookie kinda person.. I can pay with ice cream! Candy! Kisses!
Him: So you're saying I'm fat... haha! I love cookies and ice cream and candy and kisses ;) lol!
Me: Seee that's why you must help me clean, I could pay you with all that! Homemade cookies even lmao
Him: But I got all those at home, except for the kisses.. ha
Me: So kisses aren't enough :(
Him: Kisses are enough ;) hehehe
Me: Hahaha too bad, you don't get any since you won't clean for me xD
Him: Oh well I can just get kisses some other time, that doesn't involve cleaning!
Me: Hahaha okay okay sure some other time, whatever you wanna believe..
Him: So no kisses next time :(
Me: Maybe kisses and maybe not!
Him: So no kisses :(

Hahahahaha the funny part is that when I first mentioned kisses I was thinking of Hershey's Chocolate kisses xD Oh well.

:(

I'm tired of not having rides. I'm so disappointed that I can't go to the Puyallup Fair tomorrow, it's supposed to be 70 degrees! I'm not mad though like last time when Josh bailed out on us the morning of the plan, this time it's just that Hannah's sister can't make it back in time to give us a ride and at least we know the day before we were planning to go (tomorrow). But I'm just really sad and disappointed, I was so looking forward to the rides and the FOOD at the fair.

Seriously, if I could drive... we would have gone already. I'm so sick and tired of missing out on SO MANY things just because of no transportation, like Lupe Fiasco concert, a bunch of events in Seattle, and now the fair... SO FRUSTRATING AND DISAPPOINTING.

Sad face.

What I fucking hate.

I hate how I can't drive, and neither can the majority of my closer friends. I'm so damn tired of not going to a hangout or special event because I have NO RIDE. Especially today because I was so fucking excited to go to the fair, since I wanted fair food and to go on rides and to see him since I haven't seen him or actually the rest of TPC for months to a year. But no, Josh fucking bailed out THIS MORNING and had the stupidest excuses. Even though it's far, I have no sympathy because he could have said 'No' days ago. Instead, he chooses to flake an hour before we were going to leave. Not to mention it was nice weather.

I wish I could drive damn it. And I need a fucking job.

On point.

http://www.colorquiz.com/quiz.php

Your Existing Situation

"Craves change and new things, always looking for new adventures and activities. Becomes restless and frustrated when she has to wait to long for things to develop. her impatience leads to irritability and a desire to move on to the next project."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

"Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence."

His arrogance causes her to take offense quickly. Only those closest to her know deep down she is sensitive and sentimental.

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

Your Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Your Actual Problem

"Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other."

Thoughts of 2am.

Priscilla kept asking him, "Do you like Michelle?" He kept avoiding the question. He'd say "I like talking to her.." but never a direct yes or no. Trying to change subjects, never a real answer. Eventually he said, "Hmm okay you can say I do? Lol!" What does that even mean, it's like a reluctant admittance after much force from Priscilla, so I'm not taking that as an answer.

But how he'd keep saying "I like talking to her.." makes me think, Do I even really like him? Or do I just really like TALKING to him? When I really do think about it, I'm still back in that stage months and months ago where I questioned if I really even knew him. What the hell do I know about him? That he's Filipino and hates working at DQ and has the worst sleeping habits in the world. I know he is a wonderful human alarm clock for me, saved my academic butt five times, and talks to me even while playing COD. I know he always sends an average of a 2-page text to me, I know he says Lol after pretty much every sentence, and puts those annoying spaces before practically all of his punctuation marks. I know he can make himself stay up late just to beat me, hence in the ten months we've been talking he's always slept later than me. It's always his good night, and my good morning. I know he cusses less when he talks to me for some reason, he loves Pokemon, Bleach, and Naruto and is like a kid even despite his constant denials.

Okay, so maybe I know a bit about him. The facts, the basics. But I never know what goes on in his head. I never know what he's feeling because for us it's all just fun and games, we can never have a really in-depth conversation. I can't talk about beliefs, religion, my opinion on so many deeper topics. I have no idea if he's had a past love life, I have no idea on a lot of things. If I tell him I like him, we think it's a game with different levels from hate to dislike to like to love to superlove. It's come to the point where so many things can't be taken seriously, like if he says a compliment or something sweet I feel like there's a "Just kidding" or "sike!" after it. It's so funny, we've talked for so long every single day, but in actuality our communication is pretty vague. Always beating around the bush.

So do I like him? Or do I just like talking to him? For months I thought it was the former, even now I still do just because that's what I've convinced myself of. Maybe, just maybe though, I should start believing the latter.

I really just don't know. See, this is what happens when I'm left to my thoughts late at night.

I feel like there's still so many things I want to get to do before this summer ends. I guess technically I don't really start until September 20th, but I still have just first period starting September 7th. Anyways, this has been the best summer ever and there's still lots left on my summer to-do list. I still want a Seattle adventure with close friends. I want a movie night with Silla, Lynn, and Arnette. I want to go to Kerry Park at night! I want some bonfires since I haven't been to a single one all summer, how crazy is that? I want to chill with the Renton guys like we did back in October. I want to have a pig-out day with someone. This list practically goes on forever, but the point is I want to spend time with my loved ones. I want to keep having fun! It's not like all the fun will disappear once school starts, but I won't have such a flexible schedule like I do now. Plus I want to get a job the moment I turn 16, and then I definitely won't have much time left for hanging with friends.

Summer is disappearing and I'm extremely sad, this has been the best summer of my life. Just going out when I feel like it, only kicking it with the people that really matter.

I'm lame.

I feel like such a little girl, so easily amused by you. There’s nothing even special about you, but for some reason I still smile when I read your messages. I probably look like such a dork because sometimes you say something that gets me hella cheesin’, so I’m just this weird person smiling at a little screen in my hand. We’ve been talking for so long, like pretty unbelievably long, and even after talking every day for all this time, I don’t get bored. Other people, I get tired after exchanging like ten text messages. This really says something, I’m pretty infatuated with you.

Yup, I sound like a little girl, which is a good thing because little girls get happy over the littlest things.

Fucking bitch.

Everyone knows I don't cuss, but I don't give a fuck right now, what a fucking bitch. I hate my dad's sister right now. It's too personal to explain on this blog, but wow, just wow. Try to take advantage of my mom saying she doesn't really have a job so she should take care of grandma 24/7, just because you don't want to spend money THAT'S NOT EVEN YOURS on a caretaker for grandma. You are an ungrateful selfish bitch that tries to look like "such a good daughter who cares so much about her mom" when really you just want to keep the money yourself and completely ignore the fact that my mom has a life of her own and can't watch over grandma all the time. She already has been spending half of her days looking after her, and they're not even blood-related. You just want to manipulate the money and expect my mom to always look after grandma when we can easily HIRE A CARETAKER with the money grandma gets each month from the government.

I'm so heated right now. Fuck you and you are the most shady person I've ever met. My mom is hella sacrificing and you just try to take advantage of it. I agree with mom, you are just pure "bullshit" (her words, not mine).

"Endings are never easy. I always build them up so much in my head that they can’t possibly live up to my expectations and I just end up disappointed. I’m not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end. I guess it’s because we all want to believe that what we do is very important. That people hang on to our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better."

--Scrubs

I don't know why I'm in such a bitter mood today, but I am. The tiniest, littlest things are irritating me. Maybe it's really from the fact that my brother doesn't get punished whatsoever from talking on the phone at 3:30am to a girl, while I have the most stupid punishment of not using my phone/laptop past 11pm for the rest of summer, when all I did was talk on the phone at 4am. Jordan also missed church the next day but nooope, nothing happens to him. I know it's really foolish to be so frustrated with something so minor, but no, this isn't minor to me. It just goes to show how unfair my mom is being, not to mention she has been my ONLY source of stress this whole summer. Do you know how much I want to talk to certain individuals late at night, yet I can't because I'm so paranoid my mom will barge in my room and get super pissed off for using my phone past 11pm? She says she trusts my brother more and blah blah, well you know what? HE DID THE SAME ACTION AS ME and got absolutely no yelling from her. This just aggravates me like no other. Add in the stupid rain today even though it's the middle of fucking August and being stuck at home all day other than the gym, and I'm in just an extremely negative mood. Plus at the gym, my mom got mad at me for texting while I was WORKING OUT. I was on the StairMaster and she got all mad because I should be holding on to the railing for safety and blah and was like, "Stop texting! You're texting all the time! Learn to control yourself!!!!!" which just really pissed me off because I can't even use my phone past 11pm, why can't I text while on the StairMaster! Also, actually I pretty much only text two people and don't even text them that constantly, while Jordan is on his phone 24/7 and texts 93845029842 times more than me. Damn, I love Jordan but I hate how he gets better treatment for no reason. He's 19 years old but this summer he doesn't have a job, he plays Halo all day, just watches anime, and is on his phone all the time. He's not getting punished whatsoever for anything, while my mom constantly yells at me for stupid little things while I'm actually the one attempting to be productive by redoing my room and cleaning the house.

Seriously, this is so not good for my health. Plus it's making me cuss more under my breath and this profanity slips out more often, all because I'm so damn tired of all this bs.

Ever since coming back from California, I feel so productive! It's like six weeks with no obligations or responsibilities makes me want to actually get some things done before summer comes to an end. Other than just chillin' with friends every day, I really want to renovate my room. I have ideas already and have sorted through a lot of my photos on what to print. Plus, I'm going to get my artwork matted so that I can display them, and I'm going to put panels up and paint them too. Ahhh I'm so excited because I already have this all planned out in my head! Hahahaha. I also need to find a decent picture of mom and dad because as a belated anniversary gift I want to draw portraits of them. I could probably finish it within a day, but I need to find a decent photo and some time where my mom won't be home so that she can't see me making the portraits.

Random post but oh welps. I'm just reeeeally loving this summer!

I'm lost in a fresh new infatuation, with lingering feelings in the previous one still. I'm still a female with no strings attached, but I can't help but feel so confused. What the hell am I supposed to do? Going from an adolescent who loved to be independent and didn't like anyone for four years, to someone liking two guys at once. One I fell for the subtlety, while this other one I fell too quickly and feel like I'm rushing just because I know I won't see him for another year or probably more once I leave California. A summer fling or maybe more? I don't know, it's too early to tell. I just know that tomorrow will be the last time I get to see him.

For now I just say I'll go with the flow, but either way I still feel like I'm doing at least one of these guys wrong. I don't know who though.

My prediction was right... a lot can change over summer. I have to see how I'll end up once I'm back home in Washington. Maybe this new infatuation will die out, or we'll keep getting to know each other and it'll grow. I don't know, I'm still stuck in this dilemma.

Man, I didn't like anyone for four years.... I wish it stayed that way.

You entered: Michelle Tiffany Kuo

There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 87
There are 7 vowels and 11 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Hebrew	Female	Close to God. Feminine form of Michael: Who is like God? Gift from God.
French	Female	Feminine of Michael: gift from God.

Your number is: 6

The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.

The expression or destiny for #6:
The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. The 6 is helpful and ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community.

The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships.

If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much.

Your Soul Urge number is: 11

A Soul Urge number of 11 means:
With the 11 Soul Urge, much of your thinking and interests relate to the abstract, the spiritual, and utopian dreams. You are motivated toward idealistic concepts, and the sharing of your ideas and concepts with humanity. This number is not one that is giving in a material or a practical sense, but rather one who desires to help mankind with a more abstract commodity such as religion, spiritualism, occult studies, or even psychic abilities.

If you possess the positive 11 Soul Urge traits, you have a dream of the perfect world; you are highly idealistic and inspirational. Your inner strength and devotion to your beliefs are extremely strong. You have a very good mind that is especially well equipped to handle the higher, more abstract forms of thought.

If there is an excess of 11 energy in your makeup, you may possess some the negative 11 traits. There is a tendency for the 11 to produce considerable amounts of nervous tension which is bought on by a very high level of awareness. You may be too sensitive and overly emotional. In some cases, these sensitivities and emotions are quite repressed, and this tends to add even more to the sense of nervousness in the makeup.

The strong 11 is not a very practical person because of the extreme idealism; often, there is a degree of self-deception present. There is usually a rather fixed idea of right and wrong held by those showing strong 11 traits, and with this very often is a resulting attitude of inflexibility.

Your Inner Dream number is: 4

An Inner Dream number of 4 means:
You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

http://www.paulsadowski.com/numbers.asp

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

---------------------------
The italicized part... that, THAT is just so completely off! I don't flirt at all. Like seriously, I bet no one can ever recall a time where I've flirted with someone. It's simply not in my list of capabilities. Even with people I like, I don't flirt. Grr.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

It isn't a crime to talk on the phone at 4am. It's not like I'm sinning against God for talking "too late". I understand if you're mad, but I have nothing to hide and you're not bothering to listen to a word I say.

I hate growing reliant on people. Hate it hate it hate it. I miss relying solely on myself for smiles, not necessarily being independent, but having that independent mentality. I miss having my happiness in my own hands, because I didn't have to crave for a certain someone to talk to me or a certain someone to make me laugh.

Hmm honestly, even though I'm in California right now, this summer isn't that great. It was only two days ago I finally texted Lynn to see what's been going on with her, and then yesterday I called Priscilla to catch up with her and we got to have those conversations I've dearly missed. I haven't been keeping touch with anyone, really, except for those two and that was after practically a week of not talking to them. Oh but I still text Pogo each day. I don't know, it's different though than during the school year because now he sleeps in until like 1pm each day while most days I'm up before 10am. So that's like half the day of not talking to him, and then those days when he has work -_- Also, I haven't called him since he had finals, which was like three weeks ago, because ever since his summer started, he's been able to go out a lot with his friends late at night practically everyday, and so I don't want to be a bother by calling at like 2am if he's with his homies. He says I wouldn't be a bother but still, I always have, and probably always will, have this thought in the back of my mind that I'm a bother to everyone, no matter how close I am to them. I feel like I'd be a burden if I showed how reliant I am on them.

Yeah, I liked it better when it was just me, myself, and I.

I noticed.... I write differently between all three blogs! My private LiveJournal, everything is COMPLETELY casual and unstructured and my thoughts are everywhere because those are for my eyes only anyways, with emotions as raw as can be. Then here, I'm still all over the place but I try to keep things in okay form, somewhat readable to whoever views this. Then in Tumblr, I clean it up. Not sugar-coating anything or changing the content of what I write of course, but I'm more cautious about HOW I say what's on my mind. It's practically like the different stages of writing an essay--LiveJournal is the brainstorming, Blogspot is the rough draft, and Tumblr is the final draft.

I don't think that means I base what I write depending on if I have an audience or not, it's just that I know when to control how I write. If I just spilled my feelings out onto a post on Tumblr like how I do on LiveJournal, it'd be a mess. I don't need my thoughts so completely out there in the open, there's just some things I prefer to do in secrecy or behind the barriers of my own mind.

So I was going through my drafts in my Tumblr... and came across a "Bucket List" that was sort of being put together months and months ago. It wasn't really anything, just a couple of tasks on it, because at the time it was this big idea of all the stuff we wanted to accomplish together. "We" as in, PLTM.

I guess now it'd take a miracle for anything at all on this short bucket list to be crossed out. PLTM is so dead... and I'm fairly certain it won't ever be raised back up. Anyways, now the point of this post is that I think the fact that I will never have another PLTM moment in my life fucking sucks. I'm still friends with each of them individually, but I can't do it as a whole. Why? Because stupid shit and drama and people holding grudges and people having too much pride to forgive and stupid boys and stupid one-sided hatred that leads to further shit-talking and blah fucking blah. I don't know about others, but I am one extremely forgiving person. I may not give my trust out like candy, but I sure as hell always, ALWAYS forgive people even if they do shit or hurt me or whatever. I honestly think with all my heart that holding grudges is one of the STUPIDEST, MOST SELFISH acts ever. Especially when you start acting upon those grudges and making everyone hold that same grudge, just because you hate that person so much. Seriously, I mean if you don't even have the decency to just forgive a person, at least keep your little hatred to yourself. And damnit.. just FORGIVE. The Bible makes that such a vital lesson, and yet so many stupid people have too much pride to follow that counsel. People make excuses, "Oh but they really hurt me" and "I went through so much pain because of him/her". Yes, I have sympathy for you and maybe they put you through a lot, but my gosh, Jesus forgave the people who murdered him! Jesus forgave EVERYONE and they put him through situations a billion times worse than any living human can imagine. So suck up and just forgive. Forgive forgive forgive.

Okay wow I went way off topic. I'm just writing as thoughts come and go so blah. Anyways, I just hate how PLTM will probably never share another memory as all four of us together, because I really did have some of my best memories when we were with each other. Now there's all this damn tension and I just hate it because it's over petty drama.

I really like him. I don't know why but I do. His messages still never fail to make me smile and laugh. He's so quiet about his feelings and whatnot though, but now that I think about it, that's probably why I like him.

We don't really flirt much, or compliment each other much, or do anything lovey-dovey at all, now that I think about it. Just every once in awhile, a sweet comment makes it way through conversation and I'm left smiling. I believe that's why I began to like you, the subtlety of it all. You see, usually when I have my mind set on something, it takes quite a bit for me to deviate from the path I set for myself. I recall making a commitment to try my hardest to not like anyone during my high school years. I made myself have these high standards so that no one can match or surpass it. If a guy started flirting or if I noticed a guy paying a different kind of usual attention to me, I'd drift away or put a barrier around myself because it was easy to just tell myself to not fall for that person, not that I ever even felt tempted to fall for anyone in the first place. It was really easy for me. Even now, I still have that similar self-control to a large amount of my emotions... just not all obviously. Honestly, I never wanted to start liking you. No wait, scratch that, I never even expected to like you, so even the slightest infatuation didn't cross my mind for the longest time. Seriously, I didn't even know you existed until this past school year, and the only thing I viewed you as the first time we exchanged greetings was the guy that was supposed to pay for my movie ticket, to a movie I didn't even really care about. I only went because your friend who introduced us practically forced me to go and I had no other plans that night. We didn't even talk to each other that night, except for like five words. Then afterwards we just happened to text each other each day, but still no biggie. They're just text messages. Text messages for months on the daily, but still just text messages right? Soon enough though, even talking to you through these little words on a cell phone screen became a habit, an essential to each day. We began to talk on the phone every once in awhile, and before I knew it we would talk for hours even though our talks were and still are light-hearted conversations with too many laughs. Even up to this point, everything is so incredibly gradual that I've still never even told you I like you. But like I said, I'm fairly certain part of the reason behind my like for you is all that gradualness. It feels somewhat hard to explain, but I know it's true. Possibly more than friends, but very far off from being a couple. Maybe even stuck in this phase, yet I like it. I don't know, but let's just say that even though this is friendship/relationship is going possibly nowhere, I'm still happy and content.

I really don't post here enough.

Maybe... I'll slowly start transitioning from Tumblr to Blogspot. Everything on Tumblr is starting to look the same, other than those few favorites. I keep it for those Thirty Day Challenges and whatnot, but seriously I'm just reading the same things over and over. The one's I loved to read the most, like Elmon's, LJ & Brigitte's, etc. are leaving just the same and old favorites from summer 2009 are practically gone. Even a few who's posts I used to love are starting to become artificial, at least in my eyes. I don't know, everything is just ugly to me. I no longer get inspired to write due to the content of what I see on my dashboard. If I cleaned it out and kept my favorites though, I'd have one hella slow-moving dashboard because the goodies post less and less there.

Even after tumblarity went away months ago, people still write for the likes, the reblogs, the follows. Damn annoying.

Thank goodness for Blogspot and LiveJournal, you've been with me from the start ;)

Finals!

I... am currently dying. I just finished my self-portrait a couple hours ago and had to study for English final book test on Night which is tomorrow. I need to finish my AP Euro powerpoint, poster, and propaganda poster tomorrow with Lynn since it's due Tuesday. I have my Precalculus and Chemistry final Wednesday, but I got church Tuesday night so I really have no idea how the heck I'm going to study enough for both tests.

I'm dying from all this crap! I'm already exhausted and the week hasn't even started yet.

After Wednesday though, I'm free! Unlike others who still will have finals in other classes. Thursday I'll pack for the California trip. On Friday I plan on skipping with Lynn and we're going to bus it to Seattle and have a day of chillin' and fun. We might possibly chill with the Renton guys? Not sure. But then later in the day we'll have the dance team banquet and at night possibly karaoke with other people. Saturday, I got church in the morning, Ellie's graduation at 1pm, her graduation party 4:30pm, going to leave early and go to Lynnwood's graduation 7pm. Then going to pull an all-nighter that night since I'll have to leave for the airport real early in the morning anyways.

My week is so filled and hectic! I haven't even fit in a day to hang out with Priscilla and Tiffany and Grace :( Maybe Wednesday night... hmm. I'll figure something out!

Lucky?

Everywhere, I constantly see people talk about how they don't want to be in an actual relationship, but they want all the things that make up a relationship, like having someone special to call anytime/anywhere, someone to talk to late at night, someone to text all day, someone to do all that lovey-dovey stuff with--yet do that all with out the commitment. A little more than a friendship, but less than a relationship.
I guess in a sense then, I'm one of those lucky ones that actually has that? Well sort of. I can call him anytime, anywhere practically, except for when he's at work or I don't want to bother him because I think he should sleep instead. I've texted him everyday for almost eight months now. We talk on the phone at least a couple times each week for hours at a time, up until 4am or later.
I think our friendship thing is unusual though even for this type of situation. Both of us never have (maybe never will) told each other that we like each other, and it's funny because I don't really mind. I think when I first realized I liked him, I was really curious to know if the feelings were mutual but now that time has passed, to me it doesn't matter because I'm not going to pursue this anyways. If he does like me, things will still stay the same. If he doesn't like me, things will still stay the same. Who knows, maybe he doesn't even like me at all like that, but I actually don't care. I remember when Sophia asked me, "Are you and Luis talking?!" I honestly had no idea how to answer it because it was like yeeeah? No? I don't know? Haha me and Luis never talk about this kind of stuff, we just joke around mostly. Also, with the friendship-relationship thing, a lot of people probably want the sweet-talking that comes with a relationship, to be able to hear that exchange of lovey-dovey compliments. With us? None of that ever! Instead, we talk about who hates the other person more or who's fatter. We argue over who knows more Powerpuff Girls, Pokemon, Disney... Maybe on occasion a compliment comes up or something really sweet is said in conversation, but that's like really rare hahaha. The most "lovey-dovey" sort of thing we've done is... our pick-up line war? HAHA, like I said, we really don't do all that sweet stuff. And when he says good night, each time he puts a "<3" next to it. Seriously, that's about as close as we get haha. Do I care though? Not at all, actually I wouldn't want someone to talk to me sweetly 24/7, whether he's a real lover or not, because then those comments lose meaning over time. And in the end, I still have that someone to call even at 4am if I'm really bored and don't feel like sleeping. I still have someone to call to help make sure I don't fall asleep so that I can finish a project or stay up studying.

I guess to add on to the so-called "luckiness", also out of all the TPC guys he's actually one of the better ones. He's only gotten drunk a couple/few times, unlike Don and Jammy who get drunk like every other weekend. And apparently when he's drunk, he doesn't go crazy like majority of people, instead he concentrates even more and goes quiet and just sits down and think. Weird huh! I don't know, I've never witnessed it of course so he said he'd call me the next time he ever gets drunk, but then again that will probably be really far away from now. He doesn't smoke yucky, disgusting, repulsive cigarettes (actually he's never even tried it), which is like one of the biggest turn-offs to me. He's tried weed once but never smoked it again. And I know these aren't just lies he's feeding me about this, because I've talked to Ton and he says that it's all true. I like how out of all the Renton guys, I actually talk to the two guys who are "better" morally and in self-control.

Amen.

Wow, I agree with this video so much, it's crazy. This is actually a real big reason on why I don't want to date while in high school. A lot of people think I'm crazy for viewing matters in this way, with marriage in mind for dating, but that's the exact thing--marriage is NOT in my mind at this age. I'm so young and have so much to experience (not in love life, but life in general). And exactly BECAUSE of that, I don't want to date. Even with Pogo, even though I really like him, I don't want that commitment of a relationship or to be tied down. There's a real legit reason behind my so-called "odd" promise to myself to not want a boyfriend during high school, maybe even college.

But yeah, that video explains it all really well. A MUST-watch.

What do you do when your own best friend speak so negatively about another best friend?

I love them both so much and I don't know what to think as I'm just caught in the middle. I don't know if you'll read this, Priscilla, but yesterday night when you were telling me all that stuff about you-know-who (actually I think you're the only one who actually reads this blog at all so it wouldn't even matter if I mentioned the name)... I felt pretty damn hurt that you would say that about her. Yeah I know some of your reasoning is justified, but you know me, I'm an extremely forgiving person and that's just the way I am. I can honestly say that you-know-who is someone I consider a very best friend, even if her personality isn't what plenty of people consider appropriate. I don't know... I just look through that, I look past the flaws--actually no, I don't look past them, I simply just accept them, because I think that's what a true friendship involves. Obviously it's not your fault if you feel "judgmental" or "selfish" with your viewpoints on her, because you haven't bonded with her as much as I have, the same way I haven't bonded with Tiffany as much as you have. I could honestly state my own complaints about certain people but then I choose not to because I know that I only have a one-sided perspective and don't know what the full story is of every situation. I haven't gotten close enough to those certain people to have a right to talk badly about them.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. But uh yeah, Lynn is my best friend. I mean of course not up to the same level as you with our friendship starting so long ago and us having done so much together in thick and thin, but it still hurts to hear that you and Tiffany feel this way about Lynn. Imagine if I just vented to you and said HELLA shit about Tiffany. Well yeah, that's how I feel right now.

I wonder how long this feeling will last. I wonder if this is all just temporary, an emotion ready to disintegrate the moment I want to rely on someone else to keep me company. People say you "fall out of love," but I already know I'm not in love, I'm stationary at mere infatuation and I don't mind. I don't want it to go any further than this and I'm satisfied. I have enough self-control to not want a relationship out of this, and even at this very moment, if I was asked out (but I'm sure that'll never happen, just hypothetically speaking) I could easily say "No."

Yet, I know that I do like him, funny how things turned out this way. I go three years not liking anyone, and I end up admiring this guy through text messages and later phone calls. I lose sleep over this dork, like how I slept at 5:50am two nights ago. Not very smart of me, I know, but I can't really say I regret it. Oh well, I got sick anyways and stayed home all day, while he ran on three hours of sleep the entire day with school and six-seven hours of work. Plus he had to study for a physics final for the following day. I would be deeeead if I were him aha. He was so tired last night when I woke him up at 4am, 5am, and 6:30am... He kept putting off his studying! Had to yell at him to get up out of bed and study for his test, since it's worth triple points.

Anyways, I wonder how long this will last. These late night phone calls, these daily text messages, the occasional hangouts every few months, him being my human alarm clock and saving me academically (like five times now x_x). Because after this school year, he's done with high school and I'll be moving forward too. Actually he's just going to community college and I'll just be doing Running Start, but a lot can change over a summer, right? Especially with the fact that I won't even be in Washington for more than half the break. I'll just be grateful with what I have now though, I'm appreciative that I actually have someone to talk to at three in the morning, someone to attempt "all-nightys" with on Saturdays and in the summer, someone to fill up the inbox on my phone. But if I don't want this to go anywhere and don't want a relationship, how long can this really go? Because I don't want it to end, but it's probably not the best idea to hold on to this if either of us want to move forward with life.

"God has a plan."

I do not believe in destiny. I don’t believe God has a “plan” for everything. I know a lot of people, when something great happens, say “It was God’s plan for this to occur” or when something terrible happens, they say “It’s probably part of God’s plan, he has something better in store for me.” But here’s the thing—if God has a plan for everything and everyone, doesn’t that completely conflict with the idea that God lovingly gave us free will? In Hebrews 10:16 it says, “If we practice sin willfully after having received the accurate knowledge of the truth, there is no longer any sacrifice for sins left.” Obviously God gave us this warning so that we’d make the right decisions, but if He already planned our life or the events that happen in it, what’s the point of leaving us with any warning or direction? What’s the point of leaving us his Word, the Bible, for us to learn from and to incorporate into our lives if no matter what happens is out of our control? Not to mention 1 John 4:8 says “God is love,” and if people got punished for decisions that were already “planned” by God for them to make, that wouldn’t be loving at all. The point is, free will completely contradicts the idea of destiny, or the idea of God having a plan. Each day we’re faced with decisions and we have to use our own free will to choose which way to go—to do wrong-doing or not, to commit a sin or not, to go to church or not. Now, why in the world would God plan for a person to do an immoral act? Why would He plan for people to die for no reason at all? Why would he plan for certain people to commit crimes, commit murders?

I can go super deep into this, but I’ll stop for now.

Golden Gardens.

Doing this hangout today required so much effort and planning on my part just because of strict parents and those stubborn Renton guys not wanting to drive to Golden Gardens.

But it was worth it.

I mean, yeah nothing really big happened. But I seriously needed a day like this, because all week I've been in this weird mood and even though I had some little happy moments, I really feel relaxed now. Just a full day of no stress. Well maybe not full day, because I still had to plan even more during the early afternoon before going to the beach. After all that organizing and figuring out rides though, nothing troubling entered my mind. It's been so long since I've been at peace with myself and the people around me for this long of a time.

When we first got there, I have to admit it was a little... odd? For myself at least. It was like, even though all those Shoreline people are really fun and easy to get along with (no doubt there) I wasn't completely comfortable with them. Well it was the first time I met them so of course I felt like that hahaha. Poor little Peanut is afraid of volleyballs now :( Still had fun though!

I got to go on the swings! Mwahaha >:)

Then later when the Renton guys came, I was happy but at the same time I was like "ugh gross Don is smoking". When I finally decided to join their little bonfire, I only took a bite of one s'more for some reason. I wasn't hungry -___- which is weird because I was craving s'mores all week! I was actually really sleepy so I just used Pogo's shoulder as my pillow and then Lynn used me as her pillow. I feel bad for her, that phone call totally ruined her day which is why she wasn't that talkative. Anyways, I still had a really relaxing time just sitting around the fire. There's something about bonfires that soothes the mind, and it doesn't just give off warmth physically but mentally too. I was really tired though so I didn't talk much, just sang along to whatever song was playing from their speakers and Pogo didn't talk much either. Even when we went to go get paper and wood from his car (he parked so far and I didn't have my flip-flops -_-) we didn't say much. It wasn't awkward though or anything. So it was kind of like... even though I had a lot of fun and talked more with the Shorewood people, I felt more comfortable even though I was less talkative with the Renton guys.

Have to admit though, I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get to say bye to him :/

Pinnacle of bliss.

I've been genuinely happy and the feeling is just so bona fide and raw. It's not even that kind of happiness where it lasts the day just because I happened to do something exciting for a moment or two; this is like the internal happiness that gets ingrained from various elements, and it STAYS. I'm not even really sure what makes this feeling so different from the rest because nothing drastic has really happened, but every single burden is lifted other than some English homework.

It's probably the sunshine affecting my brain. There's that relief that the AP exam is over, and then on Friday I got to take a walk around the neighborhood with Peanut... wearing shorts! :D It was finally warm enough to not wear jeans or sweats all the time. For about a half hour, I walked Peanut with music blasting into one ear from my iPod, and on the other ear was my phone as I talked to Pogo. I just love taking walks so much, it eases the mind like no other and helps me get my mind off any problems. Even after I arrived home I still talked to Pogo though, which is odd because usually if I'm talking to him I say bye once I know my mom will see me on the phone, but this time I didn't. I simply went to my room and just continued talking for another 4o minutes or so before I left for the mall. Heh, we're planning a trip to the beach for next week! :D That night I also had a really wonderful talk with my mom as we went to the mall to eat, and then TJ Maxx to shop. She really is amazing, she sacrificed so much for Jordan and I. Six whole years of tough dentistry schooling in one of the top schools in Indonesia, only to throw the job away after two years of work. I feel sorry she's left with this thought in her head of whether or not it was a mistake to quit being a dentist. Actually, I don't want to repeat this story, I just wrote a really long post on Tumblr about it anyways. I'll post it up later.

Anyways, then on Saturday in the afternoon I played Powerpuff Girls on the GAMEBOY COLOR! It's so old, and the sounds are all jacked up haha. I felt like a little kid again as I beat Mojo Jojo with Blossom. Then later I went to LA Fitness with Mom and Jordan, except I really wasn't in a mood to work out and decided to walk around the Mill Creek area while they stayed in the gym. This time it really was just my music and me, because I didn't want to call Ton or Pogo since they were supposed to go to a debut at about that time. Seriously, I think taking walks out in the sun is the antidote to my stress, my regrets, my problems. All the clutter in my mind floats away and it doesn't even feel like I'm running away from problems--I'm getting rid of them by not caring what happens next. After my walk Pogo finally texted back haha, and from then on, my goodness I never texted so much within one night. We had a pick-up line war, but I obviously lost because I seriously don't know any and Google is a horrible source. He's got some super cute lines! It was pretty cute how it led up to the pick-up line war too:

(these are parts of the texts, relevant to the pick up line war)
Me (after talking about how I went on a walk): haha I didn't go anywhere, I just walked around doing nothing
Pogo: Oh sounds fun, too bad you're not walking on the beach, that would be better ha
Me: ahh I know huh, walking on the beach is <33, so relaxing!
Pogo: Yawpp you already know ;)
Me: Yeee get to walk on the beach next week :)
Pogo: Ha yawp you know what would be better? Walking on the beach with you ;) LOLOL
Me: Ahww, lmao that was sweet as starburst! Next saturdaaay ;D LOL
Pogo: You're sweet like cotton candy ;) and like sugar spice and everything nice hehe (since we were talking about Powerpuff Girls too)
Me: Shoot I got to step my game up, you're giving better compliments than me! Are you Jamaican? Cause you're Jamaican me crazy for you :D (lmfao this line always reminds me of Spencer by the way)
Pogo: Lol of course I give better compliments ha. Are you a ghost? Cause I think I want you to be my boo lol

Shoot I accidentally deleted a couple text messages haha. But he also had another line, it goes; "Will you be my circle?" "Your circle?" "Yeah because a circle has no beginning or end, it just goes on forever :)" THAT'S HELLA CUTE. Hahahaha. Cheesy lines for the win.

But now today, I am stuck at home all day to do homework. I don't care, I'm still internally happy with not a care in the world.

You know, I kind of wish I was asked to his prom. Lynn and I were looking at photos on Facebook and it actually looked pretty fun, and Lynn was saying how she kind of wishes she went when Don asked her to. I guess I could have gone 'cause Jammy asked me to go with Lukas, but I told him it'd be too awkward since I rarely even talk to him. I think Jammy arranged a lot of their dates haha, I mean Luis wasn't even planning on going until Jammy convinced all of them the week of prom. But yeah, sort of wish I could've been there.

But then again, I wouldn't have been diggin' the whole after-party and all the lying I'd have to do. I'd feel guilty because church is like the next day. I'm pretty sure I could've pulled it off though, haha. But like I said, I probably wouldn't have wanted to go to the after-party. Not because I'm a goody-goody or whatever, but that's just not my type of enjoyment.

You know what sucks about a crush or infatuation? Of course a one-sided love is heartbreaking, but even when the feelings of the other person are unknown, it gets the mind of the admirer too preoccupied. There’s that wonder whether the feelings are mutual or not, and the fear that the other person doesn’t feel the same way. The heart just sinks as it waits and waits in curiosity and terror. Infatuation is just too bittersweet.

I really do wonder though.

Late-night Ramble, don't mind me.

Today my phone died by lunchtime because I had forgotten to charge it last night since I fell asleep by accident. And I felt so dead without my phone, which is making me disappointed in myself. Why am I so damn reliant on a little cellular device?

I hate being too dependent on anything, including people. Not in situations where trust is involved or I need a shoulder to lean on, that's different. I'm talking about being too dependent on them in general. And that's why my little crush-infatuation thing I have is such a bittersweet feeling; I mean, after not liking anyone after how many years (and back then they were all just little elementary school crushes), the feeling of having a crush-infatuation is always warm and sweet. But for me it's also bitter because I hate how I feel like the day is not totally complete if we don't exchange at least a couple text messages. I hate how I felt so lost without my phone when it was only three periods left of school. Even last Friday when I went on my dinner date with Lynn, I forgot my cell phone at home and I was pretty bummed even though Mom let me use her phone for the night instead. I have to admit, I was extremely tempted to just text him using Mom's phone, but after I clicked "New Msg" and typed in the number, I was just like Pfft no, it's only for several hours anyways. I can go that long without texting anyone, I'm capable of it and need some self-control. I had a lot of fun though so luckily I got distracted, it was just really hard as I waited for certain sushi to come around and had nothing to do since Lynn was busy chewing and eating, while I watched the conveyor belt slowly move around the room.

It also is bittersweet because we never, ever talk about these sort of things. It's only mess around, tease, light topics, et cetera. Even with Ton or various people I've talked to on Tumblr, I've had at least one deep discussion with them. But with Pogo even after seven months? I can't recall a single one. And because of Ton, I know for a fact that Pogo gets really shy and doesn't like talking about girls or dates or whatever so I feel like I'll never know o_o I guess it's not that big of a deal since I only have a crush-infatuation type of feeling and don't even want to get into a relationship, but still, it'd be nice to know if the feeling is mutual at all. Just for the satisfaction of knowing.

It's pretty funny, I feel like it's too out-of-the-ordinary to talk about certain things with him, like if I asked him about girls, or tried directing the conversation into something more thought-provoking, you know? Both of us feel weird to even compliment each other since we constantly clown on each other every day hahaha. But since he kept calling me a bully, I told him I'd compliment him each morning to even it out, so his self-esteem doesn't get super low and he won't start cutting himself, HAHA. When I first started doing that though, just last week, I felt SO weird typing out something like "You're so amazing" and was tempted to laugh out loud as I typed that because it felt odd to say that to him. I mean, we never complimented each other for like seven months, so I had this reflex almost, to go and write "HAHA sike" after my compliment. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing, because it's not even that I don't feel comfortable talking to him, it's just that complimenting him was so different from my usual teasing him xD We're both cool with it now, I compliment him once in the morning and he compliments me back as a response, and then it's done! Yeeeeup we're weird.

What else is occupying my incredibly cluttered mind? I feel so out of it and disorganized because more than half my brain is just going "AH THE AP EURO EXAM IS NEXT FRIDAY" even though I haven't studied at all yet. I'll be sure to start studying tomorrow! Well also my grades are ugly, to me at least. It's completely straight A-'s and a B. From the last grading period though, I was able to get my C+ in Chemistry to an A- within one week, so I think if I start managing my time better and stepping up my game in school, I can pull off straight A's by the end of the semester... hopefully.

Why do I like someone I barely know?

Yes, I do talk to him everyday via text messages. Yes, I do talk to him on the phone at least once a week. Yes, we have been talking practically everyday since November. But lately I'm noticing that all our conversations are the same and they're dying (well, to me). We always talk about his bad sleeping habits, me eating, his "lying", our bets, Pokemon, his insomnia, et cetera. I mean of course there are a lot of topics we talk about, but that list of topics is always on repeat. Plus, it's always just us joking around, messing with each other, all that sort of stuff. It's never those mind-stimulating, thought-provoking kind of conversation or us getting to know each other. I'm comfortable talking to him, but at the same time I feel like it'd be so out of place for me to ask a simple question like... "How many girlfriends have you ever had?" NOT that I want to be his girlfriend or anything, I think my "like" is just a little more than a crush, and not past that. Anyways, back to my point, I'm just saying that even though we talk so much, I can't really have a meaningful conversation with him. I barely know him despite my hours of being on the phone with him and our attempted "all-nightys". I don't even know his favorite color. Or his favorite TV show. Random pointless facts, I know, but I'm just elaborating. And you know me, I love a person who can joke around and have a sense of humor, but I also love people who can keep me intellectually alert or make me think twice about my own opinions every once in awhile, a switch on perspective. I don't know if he's holding back like me or if he's just not capable of conversing about those type of things.

Now that I think about it, it's not like I'm helping out with it either. I mean after talking about such random, light topics for months, it seems so out-of-place or improper to ask a deeper question, you know? Seriously, I wouldn't mind at all just talking about whatever topic is thrown at me, but if I'm never asked to talk about that topic, I'll keep quiet. A history or something like that isn't really something you just randomly start explaining in casual conversation.

So back to my question... honestly I don't really know him, so why do I even like him?

I'm out of the slump.
The fact that today was the last day of the grading period woke me up a bit. I'm paying more attention in math class, and am actually doing my homework for that class! I figured I should after the vector unit, because not a single thing from that unit got through in my head. Plus, having half of my grades in the 80's is no bueno. I need to step my game up! Luckily I don't really care for the end of the grading period, I feel like I already know for a FACT that I can raise them all up to A's by the end of the school year. I can just feel it.

I'm sleepy right now. I want to knock out but I have to turn something in for AP Euro still. I feel like talking on the phone actually.

Kay, bye!

Back in the slump.

My motivation is deteriorating once again, and I really need to get myself together. I'm slacking off in school AND church and it's a horrible feeling, seeing my grades not be up to the standard I set for myself first semester, and my procrastination is absolutely overtaking me. And for church, I'm not as diligent as I used to be, always preoccupied with the other anxieties of life when really it should be the other way around--I should be so preoccupied with church/God that I'm too busy to worry with the anxieties of life. At this moment, I kind of just feel like a failure, I'm going nowhere, fast. I haven't accomplished anything in the past few weeks other than get the accuplacers for Running Start over with. Thank goodness I passed though. But that's IT, I'm falling behind in everything else.

I need more sleep. I need to do my homework earlier. I need to pay better attention in all my classes so I can stop doing so horribly on tests. I need to PLAN ahead. I need to stop getting distracted. I need to get myself together spiritually too.

Honestly, I don't even really know what I've been doing all this time. It's not like I'm going out, chilling with friends constantly because I think I'm actually going out even less. I haven't fallen into a materialistic world or anything like that because I really just don't care for that sort of thing. I feel like I've done... nothing. Seriously, what the hell have I been doing?

I want to be more motivated to excel and focus everything I'm involved in at the moment, but it's so damn hard. I just want to fall into a deep sleep and wake up with everything alright.

Life-saver x_x

I can honestly say, if it wasn't for him I'd be totally fucking screwed right now. I fell asleep early like at 1am! And I would've slept through the whole night, without starting my project at all. Thank goodness I asked him earlier to help keep me awake all night :O It's kind of funny, when I didn't reply to his text after a half hour, he was like "Yo did you fall asleep again x_x Hahaha". Lol I fell asleep earlier too haha, damn. Then of course, since I was asleep I didn't reply to that, and after a half hour he texts "If you don't text me in 10 min than i'm assuming that you're sleeping and ima call you lol". So at about 2:40am, he calls three times, I answered the third time. I was like "OMG I fell asleeeeeep!" and blah, but I was still really sleepy and couldn't concentrate on the project. Luckily after I talked to him for about 20-30 minutes I was wide awake, and he got me to concentrate on my work while he played Pokemon, HAHAHA. I was clowning on him that he always plays that, and he was like "No, I don't play Pokemon all of the time. Just... most of the time." That hella made me laugh xD what a neeerd. He's tired but he wants to get his Dragonair to evolve to a Dragonite before he sleeps, even though he slept at 7am yesterday and got 4 hours of sleep. AND it's still fourteen more levels until the Dragonair reaches level 55! Gonna take forever haha. Tsk tsk, that is what Pokemon does to you.

Anyways, I actually did a lot of that project within forty minutes. Time to finish! This blog was my break, since I've been craving to write at least something from my brain all day, but I didn't want to since I had to do schoolwork.

Okay.

I like him.

The end.

Just moments ago I began to ponder what my life would be like if I never moved to Washington from California five years and five months ago. Would I be like anything I am now? Would I look at this troublesome world with the same eyes and ears? Would I be even remotely the same individual? In the most simplest of terms, no. Ironically one of my most vivid memories is crying ever so fervently into my pillow back in California when I first learned of my drastic move, yet I can earnestly admit that I am beyond grateful for this change. I’m fond of who I’ve become, not in a narcissistic way, but just in that positive and appreciative way. Who knows how I may have ended up if I stayed in what was once called home; there is always going to be that “what if” lingering to taunt me when my life grows awry. However, what’s done is done and there is no turning back. Odd thing is, I don’t think I would want to turn back even if given the opportunity to do so. Maybe old memories do reappear in my mind time and time again, when I happen to start reminiscing about the younger days. Sure, some moments I would absolutely love to relive and experience, but there’s no use in dwelling in those passing sentiments when the only choice available is moving forward. Where I reside now is the place where I developed my passions. Where I reside now is the place where I’ve met several of the most important people in my life. Where I reside now is the place where I’ve accomplished the countless goals I’ve set for myself. My curious mindset has been shaped by the myriads of souls and sights I’ve seen right here, just like my gradual discovery for a love of music and writing. This suburban city is exactly where I was introduced to the magical world of dance, including all the wondrous styles, skills, and no doubt the amazing driven people. I admit with my deepest, utmost sincerity, that despite my numerous complaints about this ugly state of Washington, I am genuinely happy and thankful for moving here and being welcomed to an endless amount of life-changing opportunities. There is practically no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I would have grown into a completely different individual had I stayed in my old town well into my adolescent years—my opinions would differ, my open-mindedness may not exist, and the most troubling mystery of all would be what my passions would have been.

Which is why I would like to say thank you, thank you, thank you Move to Washington.

Dance dance.

Words cannot describe how much I'm going to miss dance team next year. I already had so much opposition from my parents this year on letting me stay on there, I'm pretty sure that no matter how hard I try, I won't be able to persuade them into letting me join again. But as I've said so many times before... Royal Impact is like my third family. (first is real family, second is Priscilla's family ;D). Well next year it won't be the same either anyways, Monika is going to Western University, Elaine isn't sure if she'll join again, and majority of the team is iffy on it too since we're all doing Running Start.

Well, no matter what happens, I can't avoid the fact that I'm going to miss the dance team SO much the moment we disband at the end of the school year. It's funny how at the beginning of the school year, a few of them were complete strangers to me, but now we've all seen a side of each other that only we know about. At State especially, we saw the nasty side of a few as we stressed over cleaning up choreography, and the incredibly fun/crazy side of everyone when we played games like Truth or Dare in the hotel room. What was done in that room... oh my gosh it makes me smile just thinking about it. And certain dares shall always be within secrecy of the team ;) Seriously, going to Yakima with all of them was so fun, it was such a wonderful way to start off my spring break. We went to a diner, Sonics, the Sundome, and of course the hotel. The road trip back home too... just bursting out in song with Bri, Jeana, Monika, and Lynn in the car. I honestly don't know that many people that are willing to do that except them and a few other close friends.

The only sad part is that this was our last competition together. I should just be grateful that we're not like the other teams that disband right after State, but still I get sad about it. At least we have more performances together though! Also Kidz Clinic and Exhibition. I'm unbelievably excited for Exhibition, which is pretty much a showcase that we organize all on our own. Lashaye and Lynn say I should sing at Exhibition but I don't know. We'll see! :)

I have to savor these last few months with them. Ironically, State being our last competition is also kind of a relief because we don't have to spend all of our practice time constantly cleaning our routine. Now we can focus on Kidz Clinic until April 17, which means we can start thinking of new choreography. I'm doing the middle school age group with Monika and Lashaye. Plus Monika just put together a new mix of mostly R&B music, FINALLY, since I like that style more. As much as I love Albee's choreography, it's not really what I enjoy doing most. His is always, always hard-hitting and extremely sharp, but for once I want something flowy!

I think I may have just entered into the world of infatuation.

I'm not exactly sure though. I feel like I'm still on the edge, like I'm getting there but I don't want to. Haha I feel like I knew this would happen someday. I really just don't know.

Oh well, whatever happens will happen, but like I said before, I do not want to be in a relationship. Plus we never talk about this kind of stuff, maybe the subject will never come up :D

Bleh.

I kind of hate how sometimes our text messages don't go through. It's not a big deal, really, because I know with a lot of people I stop replying when the conversation dulls out. But thing is, with you, I don't know if you stopped replying or if one of our phones was being stupid and didn't properly send/receive a text message. RAWR. It's just weird because this never happens with anyone else I text, and you said it never happens with anyone else either. I guess our phones just hate each other -_- Not like I'm waiting by my phone, anticipating a vibration for a text message of course. Haha I'm definitely not the kind of person to do something like that. It just gets annoying that I don't know if my message got through or not =___= Happens at least once a week, I swear. Then when I later text you with "You didn't reply foooo!" you're all like "I did!! You're the one that didn't reply!" and you talk about how my phone is "hammered" HAHAHA. Such weird vernacular.

But yeah, it really does get hella annoying just because of the fact that it happens so often.

Seriously?

I feel like both sides are being a bit too close-minded right now. It's cause both are at the heat of their anger, which gets kind of frustrating. But at least my words are somewhat sinking through. I don't really know. But wow, I hope we get through this alright. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right?

Rest In Paradise, Jun Seba.

I can't believe he's dead. I'm so unbelievably disheartened right now. He honestly produced the most amazing beats and I love his music so dearly. He was an inspiration for so many, and now everyone is just in shock that he has passed. I can't even write out what I feel like saying, my mind is still in somewhat shock.

This completely ruined my night.
And in the morning I'll have to write an essay with this heavy on my mind.

Nujabes?

I saw someone just post up on Tumblr a post dedicated to Nujabes, to rest peacefully and then other reblogged saying RIP and whatever.

Are you serious?! Someone please enlighten me on what happened to Seba Jun. I googled and yahooed but I don't see anything about him dying. Am I missing out on something here? My gosh, I hope this isn't true! I'm going to be so devastated if I find out Nujabes is really dead.

The Potential Boyfriend?

I hate saying I have "expectations" or "requirements" with what I want in my future boyfriend/lover. Too many girls (actually guys too) say they want THIS in a girl, THAT in a guy, et cetera. For me, those are all just bonuses or a plus, but not a standard. Sure I'd love a guy who can sing or dance, but I'm not going to automatically pass up a guy just because he doesn't do those. Sure I'd love a guy to watch a sunset with on the beach, or to just stay in having our own little movie night, but I don't want to have a "list" of requirements. Really, if males had their lists too of everything they wanted in a girl, I know I'd definitely fall short on every list out there.

The only qualifications I would expect is love, respect, trust, honesty... all those kind of traits. Because I highly doubt a relationship would work without those anyways.

Want me to make a list though of what I believe are pluses? (Just sayin').
I love those who are expressive through written words, with an ability to use their pen in creative writing. Personally, being the artistic person that I am, guys with a passion in art, singing, dancing, writing, bboying, photography, or anything else in the creative field is a HUGE plus for me. A guy who can cook, just because I'd rather stay in with a home-made meal than constantly go out spending money to eat at restaurants. I definitely love a guy who can appreciate the simple aspects of life, like cheesy gifts, going to the beach in the summer to see the sun go down, taking me to parks, the aquarium, downtown Seattle...

That's too much to ask though. Which is why I again say, these are BONUSES, not expectations.

Oh yeah,

Jocelyn is back on the team. We had a huge circle thing during practice today, and we all said what we felt about what she did to us. We all forgive her though, just as long as she doesn't walk out on us again.

"Ohana means family. And family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten."

I remember as a dance team we all used to say this :) Ugh I'm going to miss this third family of mine next year when mom forces me to quit :/

Facade.

Through the ups and downs I just try to stay level headed. I hear a lot of bullshit but I never sweat it. Cause when you ask about it, They gon say they never said it.

(via gardenstateofmind)

I'll elaborate later. But I saw this off of Tumblr and love this. I need to do my chemistry powerpoint for now though.

Staying focused.

I'm really starting to take to heart what Dad told me a couple days ago. I'm changing my attitude towards my goals. I need to get it together in school, I need to set those high expectations for myself that I used to always do. Straight A's, and no less. Which means I need to bring up all my grades... haha. Oh gosh what have I been doing, I let myself go too much.

Also, I'm trying to really improve with dance. I want to perfect my cartwheels since my right cartwheel is NEVER straight; I'm too used to doing left cartwheels. And with State competition coming at the end of the month, I want to get more stunts down. Jordan taught me hang glide freeze and turtle freeze since he knows I need to strengthen my forearms first before learning a lot of other things. I want to get an invert down but I can barely keep myself up doing a handstand so I need to practice that. All in all, I need to be more fit and get stronger to improve in this. I already have hang glide freeze down, but I need to stabilize it more. It's cause I have no muscles! :(

Focus focus focus.

My motivation is just... gone.

I'm not even really sure why I'm crying right now. But just a bit ago my dad came into my room for a "talk". See, Dad never does "talks" unless it's serious so I got nervous at first. He started off saying, "You know what I noticed last night at the quad concert Michelle? You've changed." I was confused, "What are you talking about?" He noticed how throughout the concert, I was so tired and lethargic-looking. So I replied, "Well yeah, last night I got pretty bored. The concert wasn't exciting or anything." His response, "No... it's not just that. I've noticed that this is how you're always looking, every single day. Michelle, your face constantly looks exhausted. You've lost that glow, that vigor."
I proceeded to tell him about how it's true, I AM always tired. I'm always up at night doing homework because school is killing me from the inside out. He told me, maybe I should lighten up on the classes, take fewer honors classes. But no, that's not the issue. I've come upon this as my own realization and explained to him, "I know... It's just that, I feel like I've lost that drive to keep going. I've lost my motivation. Every single day feels so routine and I can't take it anymore. Everything at school is just so tedious, a repeat of the day before. And it's not just now, the same thing happened last year. Heck, it's BEEN happening ever since the 7th grade. Each year, during the middle of second semester, I start to lose that drive I had throughout the year to succeed. Everything is just so boring, I feel like what I'm learning in all my classes are all so pointless. There's no excitement in my day, just the same thing over and over."
Dad started to tell me, in the most loving way, about how sometimes life turns out that way. And that I shouldn't just view the things I learn at school as pointless. It might seem useless right now, but you never know what knowledge you'll need in the future. He says he understands because sometimes, even with working, he starts to feel like every day is just a repeated process and gets monotonous. After a lot of talking, he summed up his advice, "Michelle, you can't always change the situation your in, but you always change your attitude towards it."
Dad also told me about my horrible sleeping habits, and how I need to change them. I agree 100%. It's funny how I've known this for the longest time, and how I WANT to change, but I haven't yet.

I'm going to try from now on. And even though I've lost my motivation at school, I still have dance, DECA, family, friends, and of course God to live for. I need to get myself together.

Thank you Dad. Seriously, thank you. I'm going to try my hardest to change my mentality.

Nostalgia.

Feeling super nostalgic suddenly, reminiscing on memories with people I don't have in my life anymore. It's like the best but most saddening feeling, walking back around the bittersweet roads. I miss these people terribly, you don't even know. They all left an impact on me no doubt, but now we don't even talk. I can't even do anything about it, they're just going on with their lives, I'm going on with mine. One moment I'm so thankful that I actually got to spend time with them at all. The next moment I'm either sad that I know I can't talk to them any longer or angry that they just walked out on me, without a word.

Oh man, I seriously need to start sleeping earlier. Late-night over-analyzing does me no good.

Royal Impact.

Okay, Jocelyn is out for good. It's whatever. She brought it upon herself, so if she's willing to walk out on us and turn her back on us, I'll do the same and so will the rest of the team.

Practice today... my gosh we're changing 8 counts but at the same time it's taking so long to get the hang of it since it was a transition part too. It's like we're all trying our hardest, we're fine without Jocelyn's stunts, we all got assets of our own to bring to the team. But it's just frustrating because we're only 4 days away from Districts, AND Sarah and I are having issues with our English teacher. Since we need to go to the orchestra concert rehearsal tomorrow during 2nd and 3rd period, we end up missing the important exam for English. We talked to Ms. Hunter about it and she was just like, "You HAVE to take it either today or tomorrow after school." But Sarah and I have dance practice! With so little time before competition, I don't want to miss any dance practices, plus the exam might be a whole hour long. Hopefully we can negotiate with her to let us take it Thursday after school since on that day practice starts at 2:45.

We all need to step our game up like CRAZY. You have no idea how bad all of us want this. I know we got the potential too, but in the past it seems like not all of us had the exact same drive as everyone else. But oh man, this is DISTRICTS. I want to go to State for sure. We need to give it BEYOND our all or we won't make it.

So this week, I'm disciplining myself like mad. Get schoolwork done earlier, so that at night I can go to LA Fitness to practice in front of mirrors, and also work on my flips/splits/stunts so that they're cleaner. I really need to get over my fear of handstands -_- I hope my brother helps me with freezes and such because then I can work my core too.

I feel like school is such an incredible bother now. I want to focus focus focus on dance because this will be my last year on the team and going to competitions. School decides to pile on all the work now though, and it's so exhausting. Not to mention orchestra has that concert and Large Group Festival thing. I need to practice my violin a lot too.

Off the team?

My thoughts are hella scattered right now and I'm not sure how to feel about everything overall, so bear with me. This post might lead to nowhere but it's getting everything out of my head.

So today after school, the dance team (except for Jocelyn) had a meeting for about a half hour. We were wondering what to do about her--should we let her stay on the team if she wants to come back, or "kick" her off?
No doubt, she disappointed all of us. I know so many of us shed tears when we first learned she'd walk out on us, but over the weekend we've developed anger. I love her to death, but she was being so selfish.
I learned that on Thursday night, after that practice and everything, Jocelyn still moved out of Jeana's house. She went to live with her dad in Everett. Ugh I'm so frustrated with this, because Jeana was really just being a good parent! But Jocelyn's REAL father... he fails as a parent. UTTERLY FAILS.

BLAH, rewind. Okay I'm going to explain Jocelyn's past.
Jeana's sister had Jocelyn when she was a teenager, so she felt like she wasn't ready to care for a daughter yet. She still wanted the best for her though, so then HER mom's cousin & spouse said they'd take care of her. Jeana and her sister let those cousins take care of Jocelyn because those people said they'd do this and that for her... well they'd be good parents. BUT, they turned out to be people that didn't go by their word. They didn't discipline her or anything. You know how when we were all young, if we did something wrong, like stole candy from a store, our parents would tell us it's wrong and punish us? Yeah, well that didn't happen with her. She didn't ever get in trouble. She grew up with these adopted parents that never bothered to train her, all they did was buy her things. For 12 straight years, they let her do what she want. It's not her fault, when everyone was young we never really knew right from wrong, or what expectations to meet. Eventually though, she felt like she wanted to live with her real, biological mother when she was 12. So she asked her adopted parents, and they just said Yes. Shows what wonderful parents they were.... they didn't fight for her or anything. They let her go without a second thought. I mean, adopted or not, if you cared for a child for 12 years, wouldn't you feel some kind of emotional hurt when your kid wants to leave? But yeah, I guess they didn't care, so they let her go.

So now she moved to Oregon to live with her mom. But then in her school there, some nasty rumor started up about her, and she couldn't take it anymore. She left that place after awhile and came back up here to Washington. So the sensible thing would be for those adopted parents to take her back, right? NOPE, they DIDN'T want her back. Instead, they called Jeana's grandma to see if they would take Jocelyn in. Yup, JEANA'S grandma, not Jocelyn's. So that would make it Jocelyn's GREAT-GRANDMOTHER. No one that old can possibly take care of a teenager, they already have health issues and such to worry about. I can't believe those adopted parents had the audacity to do that.

So that's where Jeana came in. She took Jocelyn in because there was no where else to go, and she knew that Jocelyn's biological dad up in Everett would do horrible parenting. Now this was pretty much the first time in Jocelyn's life where she had expectations set before her. Where discipline came into play. And so this past Thursday, when ALL she had to do in front of us and Jeana was apologize as a punishment, she couldn't take it anymore in Jeana's house. She wanted OUT of Jeana's house.

So Thursday night, she moved out and went to live with her Dad in Everett. We can already see how this is SUCH an unwise decision. She came to school today, and during the day, she went up to Lashaye and Monika, and was showing her new iPhone her dad got her. And the shopping spree they just went on... blah. That's exactly what Jeana knew would happen, her dad just BUYS BUYS BUYS her THINGS. And Thursday night Jeana called their house to see if Jocelyn was okay, and the dad picked up. He said he won't allow her to talk to Jocelyn. You know what he said that really pissed the whole dance team off? "I think Jocelyn needs a vacation from expectations." What. the. fuck. She's a teenager. She NEEDS expectations... grades, morals, restrictions. But nope, her dad has ZERO expectations for her and just buys her stuff.

Ugh, so as you can tell, in a sense it's not Jocelyn's fault she thinks the way she does. She grew up with people who never loved her, with no discipline. Her whole entire life she has never had that "ride or die" kind of friend, and has gone through things that makes her have great trust issues.

Still, her walking out on Jeana and the whole entire team was SELFISH of her. Completely.
So at the discussion today, we all gave our opinion on whether or not it'd be wise to accept her on the team if she wants to come back.

From a competitive dance team standpoint, it'd be best if we don't let her come back. We're only 4 practices away from Districts, we can't let this drama distract us. We need to focus and concentrate on improving. Ayana heard Jocelyn wants to come to practice tomorrow and see how things work out, but seriously... Jeana is our coach. Nothing will be the same anymore, the amount of cooperation, the tension... practices won't just flow like they always do. So everyone agreed it'd be best if she was OFF because we're pissed off that she left the whole dance team hanging, and we don't want anything like that to bring us down in performing/competing.

On a personal note though, I feel like it wouldn't be best because... her whole life she had trust issues. The dance team is LITERALLY FAMILY. We're all so close and have bonded like crazy over the year. We consider ourselves real ohana. So if we kick Jocelyn off the team, won't Jocelyn have even more trust issues? The one outlet in life where there were 12 other people who GENUINELY cared about her, if we turn our backs on her she might never learn to trust.. well anyone.

So I don't even know, still. I think I want her off the team, because that would be best for the team in general. She turned HER back on us. But at the same time, I feel like leaving her behind would only hurt her more. Not to be conceited or whatever, but seriously, she NEEDS US more than we need her.

Sure, for the competitive dance team standpoint, she's a huge asset to the team since she can pull off flips and stunts, and got great facials. But it's not too big of a deal, if we all focus enough we can step our game up to the highest possible.

akfnsdfhaighgnajgwjan. Like I said, my thoughts are everywhere.

It's sad how some people just blame God.

With all these horrible natural disasters, and people suffering in the world, I find it so depressing how some people actually have the audacity to claim that it was God’s way of punishing them or that He’s the reason for their suffering. How can that be, when the Bible says “God is love.” (1 John 4:8). It would be hypocritical of Him then, if He used things like natural disasters as venues to make human beings get hurt. Yet so many people blame Him for what goes wrong in their lives. Well, just because God allows things to happen, doesn’t mean He’s the cause of it. To help put things in perspective: A human father who loves his child does everything in his power to help lead that child in the right direction. But when that child happens to fall down and get hurt, or another person comes along and just randomly attacks the kid, is it the father’s fault? Of course not. Similarly, sometimes things happen around the world… just because they happen. There doesn’t have to be a straightforward reason behind it.

(via my Tumblr)