It's sad how some people just blame God.

With all these horrible natural disasters, and people suffering in the world, I find it so depressing how some people actually have the audacity to claim that it was God’s way of punishing them or that He’s the reason for their suffering. How can that be, when the Bible says “God is love.” (1 John 4:8). It would be hypocritical of Him then, if He used things like natural disasters as venues to make human beings get hurt. Yet so many people blame Him for what goes wrong in their lives. Well, just because God allows things to happen, doesn’t mean He’s the cause of it. To help put things in perspective: A human father who loves his child does everything in his power to help lead that child in the right direction. But when that child happens to fall down and get hurt, or another person comes along and just randomly attacks the kid, is it the father’s fault? Of course not. Similarly, sometimes things happen around the world… just because they happen. There doesn’t have to be a straightforward reason behind it.

(via my Tumblr)

"I can't ever imagine Michelle having a boyfriend."

Haha today as I was scrolling through text messages in my inbox to figure out what I should lock or erase, I saw the text messages from Herman a couple weeks ago. And then it reminded me of the phone call Priscilla and I had with him, and how Priscilla was like "I can't ever imagine Michelle having a boyfriend." Others, like Herman, thought it was an offensive remark towards me, but actually it's a hidden truth because Priscilla knows me too well ;) I really can't imagine myself with a boyfriend (in high school, of course). I feel like I've gone so long as an independent individual, I just don't want to have to rely on a significant other so much. I know I've never been in a relationship before, and maybe here and there I feel "lonely" or in need of a guy, but I already love the way I live too much to alter that. I used to think that maybe I just have high standards and that's why I haven't liked a guy for so long, but I realized that the real reason might just be that I don't want to like a guy. Even if I did, I don't want the relationship that comes with it. I'm already such a busy person, pursuing tons of goals that I've set for myself, and still feeling like I don't have enough time during the day. Having an official boyfriend or emotional tie to a guy would probably just consume my thoughts and time too much. I like the freedom and feeling of self-sufficiency from staying single.

The odd thing is, I feel like even if I do like a guy, my mind will be too in denial to want to admit it since I don't want any relationship to develop. I won't say I'm completely close-minded to the idea of having a boyfriend, but all my life I've been stubborn and stick to what I believe in. So currently I'm just thinking for myself, and have come to the realization that I really "can't ever imagine Michelle having a boyfriend."

But then again, what do I know? I'm a naive person. Maybe one day I'll end up liking a guy too much to the point of changing my perspective on things. Or maybe I have liked a guy in the past but was in denial too much to want to do anything about it.

Utter disappointment.

I'm feeling sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, and scared all at the same time. I'll just go into details since only a couple read this blog anyways. But yeah, in my beloved dance team, people who I can call FAMILY, we're having our first big problem. Jocelyn might move out of Jeana's house to live with her dad in Everett. What does that mean? She pretty much walks out of all of our lives, just because her pride is too big to say "Sorry." Jeana, as an aunt, tries her damn hardest to raise Jocelyn, but apparently Jocelyn can't deal with it. I understand, she came from a HORRIBLE background, her life has been extremely tough, but why can't she just swallow her pride? I would understand if she wants to stay angry at Jeana, hold a grudge against her and everything, but by going through this venue of anger she's letting 11 other people down. Today at dance practice, as we learned of the situation, tensions were building because Jeana was giving Jocelyn the choice to stay or go. She kept silent for a long, long time. We were trying our hardest to convince her to stay, to make the right choice. But it was all in vain... she walked out that door, not being able to say "Sorry."

That moment, most of us broke down crying. I literally had not cried like I had today, for the longest time. I actually ran out of tears after awhile. Me, Lynn, Sarah, Bri, Monika, and Lashaye shed tears as we all gathered to fathom what the hell just happened... Jocelyn walked out on us. It's hard to explain what happened, it was such an intense emotional moment. We NEED her on the team. No--we just plain out NEED her. Because Royal Impact is not just a dance team, we're OHANA, and ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Jeana broke down and cried like crazy too, of course, because she loves Jocelyn. For her, she really literally is family since she's her niece.

We used up a whole hour of dance practice, trying to talk to Jocelyn. To help her realize, leaving is NOT a wise thing to do. She saw our tears. She saw our pain. Monika even cried, fighting through her tears, "When you walked out that door, it seriously felt like you stabbed my heart, right here. (points to her heart). WE LOVE YOU Jocelyn, do you not understand that?" We used all the words we could muster up or think of at the moment, to make her realize, she is making such a huge mistake.

All the hard work we did the whole year, gone to waste? Does she not realize how much we all CARE about her? Her whole life, she has never had anyone she could fully trust, a ride and die type of friend, so I know she has trust issues. I don't blame her, she had to grow up with that and it was totally out of her control. But my gosh, it fucking hurt ALL of us, how she would really rather just try to prove a point to Jeana and hold up her pride, and let down ALL OF US. A whole year with the team, and suddenly she walks out. And just to add to it, a week before Districts? Are you serious? Not to mention State is at the end of this month.

WE NEED HER. And it's not like we don't want her to go, just because we need her for dancing and performances and competitions. WE WANT HER to stay. She's a part of all our lives now, because the dance team is so close.

And tonight, as Sarah and I were talking, Bri and Lynn were also in the conversation.. we were talking about how FRUSTRATED and DISAPPOINTED with her, and how now we really are just ANGRY about this. Not going to lie, she is being so selfish. I don't want to sound like I'm talking bullshit or saying something bad behind her back, because I love her and never do that to people I love. I'm just speaking the blunt truth--she's being selfish. Why can't you just swallow your pride, and stick with the life you have now?

"Pride is before a crash, and a haughty spirit before stumbling." --Proverbs 16:18.

If she keeps up her pride for good, and really does move, we'll all feel crushed. But if she gets over this obstacle in her life and chooses the right decision, I know for a fact we'll be stronger than ever. The reason I'm so scared is because... what if she really does leave? Not only is she such a strong asset to the team, but on a lot of practices she's the one who's constantly smiling and bringing others up into a better mood. The team is already so small as it is and we're already down 1 person for State. We neeed her.

I really do hope she makes the right decision...

Passion.

“Passion is passion. It’s the excitement between the tedious spaces, and it doesn’t matter where it’s directed. It can be coins or sports or politics or horses or music or faith. The saddest people I’ve ever met in life are the ones who don’t care deeply about anything at all.” --Nicholas Sparks

I always look back at this quote, and I think about how true this is. As for now though, I need to get back on homework. I'll edit this post another time when I actually HAVE more time. But this week is hectic. Yeah, just didn't want to lose this quote haha.

Second Blogspot.

So, I've made a separate blogspot for posts on Tumblr that I've made over the past 8 months. Pieces that I copy into this second blogspot (Map the Soul II) are writings I've done that I actually like. I know on Tumblr sometimes I post really random, 1-2 lines posts or just reblog things, so I figure this blogspot will help me keep my thoughts more organized and let me see how I've changed mentally. Haha go follow it! :)

http://kuomichelle.blogspot.com

For my actual Tumblr: http://michellekuo.tumblr.com

I HATE it when people criticize music based only on fucking assumptions.

I’m no expert in hip hop or anything, but don’t go hating on what I listen to when you know NOTHING about it.

Today as I was listening to my iPod, another guy in class was wondering what kind of music I listen to. I said I can listen to anything, but preferably hip hop/rap. He replies, “Oh well I don’t like listening to guys talk about picking up hoes and getting drunk.” My best friend and I were like, “Uh.. we don’t either. We don’t listen to that kind of so-called “music.” We listen to the songs with actual MEANING.” He says, “But you guys just said you listen to rap! And that’s all that rappers talk about.” My friend and I were getting kind of heated from his stupid ignorance and said, “Wow, what kind of rap have you even listened to? Because rappers who ONLY talk about picking up hoes, in our eyes they don’t even deserve to be called real hip hop artists.” But, he still wouldn’t shut up about how hip hop sucks because apparently it’s ALWAYS just some guy talking about shallow topics like getting drunk at a club, over a boring beat. He took out his iPod and was like, “I only have one rap song in my entire iPod. It’s ‘Handlebars’ because I think it’s so funny. But yeah alternative is so much better because everything is a metaphor” blah blah. I got nothing against alternative, I just hated how he attacked my kind of music as if there was nothing metaphorical about it.

So then we made him listen to Motion Movement by Blue Scholars, Feather by Nujabes, and Fighters by Lupe Fiasco. How can you not like those songs, right? With Motion Movement, he was like “They’re so monotone!! It’s so boring!” So we said, “Well, listen to the LYRICS then at least!” And he said, “But they talk so damn fast I can’t understand a single thing they’re saying. They’re probably just talking about how many hoes they can pick up or something like that.”

At this point, my friend and I were really just aggravated by his ridiculous assumptions. So we showed him Feather, since he wanted something with a “metaphor.” and after a bit he was like, “The music makes me think of an ice cream truck! Cause it’s like a kiddie tune on a piano.” WOW, I was really getting irritated. Afterwards, my friend wanted to show him Fighters, since we’ve never met anyone who doesn’t like Lupe Fiasco. Apparently he got bored 30 seconds into the song.

We just gave up on him. We tried to help assist him in opening his mind to hip hop but nope, he still stereotypes it as guys talking about getting girls at a club and whatnot.

And this is why my future boyfriend will HAVE to have an open mind to music. Good taste in it is just a major plus in my book.

(via Tumblr)

Way to be picky...

What you said hurt me, mom. Not any offense towards me, but just the way you're being so hypocritical. I don't feel like going into details, but my gosh I am so aggravated right now.

I'm going to discipline myself this year.

I've already told myself this, I need to get better control over what I do. I'm resolved to sleep earlier, at least by 1-2am on weekdays. I'm getting a job in May after AP Euro because my family needs the money. I'm going to go to the gym more regularly, eat healthier, and by the end of the year I want to lose at least 10 pounds.

I'm not kidding, these are my main goals for this year. I feel really determined.

My brother.

I had the best talks with my brother this morning. We talked about a lot of things--I yelled at him because he's not putting any effort into looking for a job. He told me about what some of his friends said when they were all talking about their love lives. It turns out so far my brother has liked 3 girls since moving up here, but each time, that girl is already in a relationship. I give a lot of respect to my brother, because he got self-control. A couple of his idiot friends (cough, like Andy) were saying things like, Why don't you try to steal her away? (since he likes a girl right now at UW Bothell, but she already got a boyfriend). Andy made up excuses, like what if the guy is abusive, or doesn't treat her right. Then maybe my brother would be the right guy for her. But instead, my brother said, "If the guy doesn't treat her right and the girl is unhappy, I don't think stealing her away is the solution. I'd rather just talk to her about it because I care. If she's unhappy with her relationship, then she'd say so and figure out a way to get out of it. Stealing her away doesn't solve anything, I'd rather just be a friend first and help her through the situation."

It's interesting because I think I would say the same thing if I were him. And with those excuses Andy said, I now understand why he does the things he does. He makes stupid excuses, and has zero self-control.

My brother told me that in the past, he liked Allison and another time he liked Keala. During those times both of the girls already had a boyfriend. So what my brother did was he TOLD them he liked them since they were good friends anyways, so that the girls would know not to do anything that might accidentally lead him on. They'd be more careful and cautious to not do anything that would make my brother like them more. I think that's pretty smart :) Sure, it might affect the friendship a bit, but it's better than letting himself fall for them more and more, you know?

Got 3 hours of sleep last night.

And yet I'm so wide awake! Talked on the phone with Pogo for like 2 hours starting around 3am last night, so I didn't sleep until 5:30am last night. I had to get up at 8:30am to baby-sit Ling Ling and Lang Lang since mom was gone for awhile. It's weird, it's like I regret sleeping so late because I KNOW I need more hours of sleep each night, but I can't help it! It's practically like a habit to sleep at LEAST past 2am. And I probably would've slept a bit after 3am if Pogo didn't call, but when I talk on the phone I get wide awake. And each time I do a late-night phone call like that, I suddenly crash and want to sleep after a few hours into the call hahaha. I'm such an odd person -__-

Oh well I'm excited, get to go to Carmen's house today! I hella miss CAMP :/ I still talk to Carmen, Ann, and Priscilla but it's all always separately, instead of a GROUP like what we used to be. At least I got PLTM but that's sort of a totally different thing, you know? But yeah, it's almost been a year since a CAMP kickback and I miss them bunches.

Dance dance dance.

It turns out... if you don't go to Districts competition, you're not allowed to compete in State. WIAA rule. FUCK. I teared up a lot when Monika told me that, and then when I went home in my mom's car, I was crying like hell. Like seriously? State has been what I've been WAITING for this whole year. It's so important, and I don't think my parents understand how much it means to me. How much I want to go. Luckily I was able to convince my mom about it, as long as I can find another date of the special assembly day. What I'm worried about it Dad. When he makes a decision, he's fucking stubborn about it. And he's extremely close-minded and bases a lot of his choices off of assumptions. Pisses me off and frustrates me like crazy. I'm scared he'll say no. I'm scared he won't see how much State competition means to me. I'm scared I'll start breaking down and crying, and he'll get angry with me for putting dance over God. But that's the thing, I'm not! That's the reason why I want to find another day that the assembly will be held, so that I can go to that instead. The same material is covered anyways. But my gosh, if he says no... I'll feel so crushed. I already got mom's approval which got my hopes up, but if my hopes don't come true... Fuck. I think I might cry for a long time.

Have to admit, this was sweet haha.

Texting Pogooooo. This was a bit into the conversation already, haha Silla if you read this, yes we are talking about you and your bed.
--------------------
M: Pwaha pshh I bet you missed meee! >:) Mhmm I don't think she even knows I left, we were both sleeping for awhile xD
P: I did miss you :( lol you were suppose to text me saturday morning ! Lol but she was just texting me =0
M: Ahw actually I missed you too :/ Haha. Whatever YOU were supposed to text me Saturday morning! idk, I just know her bed is like the comfiest ever lol
P: Haha that's right you better miss me x] but you said you would text me, don't you remember =0 Damn her bed must be that comfy o.o i sleep on rocks
M: Nuh uhhh you said you'd text me saturday morning you foool! haha forreals I fall asleep each time I stay in her bed xD Ton tells me you're feeling down! :(
P: Haha i said no such thing, i'm positive you said you were going to text me first ! Awh is that why you wanted to text me cause i was feeling down ? =0
M: Nooo I never said such nonsense! Uhh actually he told me that after I already started texting you haha. Are you still feeling down though? :O
P: Yes you did say such nonsense ! Lol Damn it ton he was suppose to tell you earlier x] no i wasn't feelin down i just wanted to see if you would text me x]
M: Hahaha loseeer! Well too bad cause he said it after I already told you that Silla fell asleep by then x] Dooork, wanting me to text you so you make up lies! :)
P: Haha Omg what a fail ton x_x lol. Thats just how much i missed you :) hehe
M: Haha yeshh Ton is a fail! x] Ahww sweet, except lying is bad Pogo! Hahaha :)
P: Haha its not lying its called missing you :) lolol. I'll never lie ever again x]

What happened to my optimism?

(From my Tumblr, 020610)

I recall not too long ago I would always say to be optimistic. A positive attitude brings forth positive results, right? I’m not really sure what happened, but I don’t believe in optimism as much as I used to. Maybe I just became realistic, or maybe I’ve made false hopes to make myself feel better, only to meet disappointment when those hopes weren’t met. Really, why look forward to a so-called hopeful future if no one can predict what will actually happen? I have a different philosophy now. I think it’s important to just smile with the situation given at hand. Look at the positive aspects of what’s happening now, instead of being sad and merely hoping things will get better. I know it can be extremely hard, but it’s better than facing the hardship of possibly even more sadness or frustration from realizing an optimistic hope isn’t coming true.

Disheartened.

I've been feeling down lately. Been trying to hold it in but today I just couldn't take it anymore. I guess getting such a bad score on the competition kind of was just too much on my list of disappointments and it overwhelmed me. I bet to others, the things I'm disappointed in are trivial but to me they mean a lot. I can't go to Business Week. I can't go to Relay for Life. We got 6th out of 7 places at dance competition. I most likely will have to miss District competition. My dad suddenly starts telling me he disapproves of me dancing. I don't know, I'm just sad. A couple of hours ago I vented to my brother because he knows about the dancing and how my parents are, and it felt really good to talk to him about everything because he understands fairly well. I started to even somewhat cry, which I haven't done in awhile. I guess I'm just sick of the unraveling of these events--how I can't do anything about any of it and it's all out of my control, and how I had to find this all out within a matter of a couple days.

On another note, I know I've said that after this school year, I'll quit the dance team since I'm going to do Running Start and won't be able to constantly get back to the school for practices. But I only say this half-heartedly. First of all, I love being on the team. I know I can still learn routines at Hip Hop Club but that's the thing--it's a club. On Royal Impact, I get that sense of family because everyone is so tight and we all look out for each other. Second of all, I'm really going to miss going to competitions. It makes my heart sink so low, knowing that there are only two competitions left, and I might not even be able to go to one of them. There's this incredible thrill in competing and seeing what other teams have to show off, and that adrenaline that pumps through the veins when hitting the floor. Third of all, I really just don't want to give my parents the satisfaction of seeing me not being on the team. Honestly, I would give a lot more thought on if I should stay on the team or not next year, but I'm not bothering because I already know that no matter what, mom and dad will both say no, final answer. I don't even know why they fucking hate it so much, I still do so well in school, I do everything I need to do for church, dance is a healthy exercise... What's wrong with it? To them, dance is like beyond the last priority. I admit, I'm not like Monika or Emily, where dance is their LIFE and they'd pretty much die if they can't dance, but I'm definitely into it. There's something really satisfying with getting a routine down, or when a song comes on and you automatically want to move a certain way.

Why do all these troubles have to hit me at once? It's killing my mind and heart.

Too many written words.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm writing too much. Every single thought process, I end up typing out into one of my three blogs. Is it healthy that I get all my emotions and thoughts out, or am I writing so much up to the point where it's unhealthy? I don't even really know, I just know I can't live without writing. It's practically like a habit now, to organize my ideas via these letters on a computer screen. Like I've said before, my written words come out so much better than my spoken words. Especially on those days where I find something really inspiring--I can write for hours upon hours. The odd thing is, I'm able to write so easily when it comes to my own thoughts, or when concerning concepts that I actually care about. But when limitations on what I can write come into play, and there are too many guidelines to follow, it's as if an automatic wall gets built in my brain, preventing me from fully reaching my writing potential.

I know I'm not a great writer, I'm far from it. But I feel with the direction I'm going in, this path of writing will take me to greater distances.

Random.

You know what I'd love? If a guy serenaded me through the phone. Not like he has to be a significant other or anything, but now that I've really thought about it, no guy has done that for me. A couple have sung in a joking way, but I want some real singing. I mean I always sing on the phone, because that's just how I am. A lot of times I don't even notice myself singing to them, I just happen to do this subconsciously since it's a habit. But it has never been the other way around.

Well one time he played the guitar for me through the phone... haha. But I think he was just practicing.

February & March.

Oh gosh, I just read Mr. Ide's email. Apparently February and March are to be really busy months for DECA/marketing.
The email:

"Next week, I need you all to sign up for JA training on February 9^th and then sign up to teach at Spruce and Oak Heights…field trip forms are on my website (all day Feb 11^th and Feb 18^th). If you can’t go on the 18^th to, Oak Heights I need you to man our booth at the electives fair some or most of the day on the 18^th.

Also, the afternoon of the 18^th we will have the Area Election here at LHS. I need two of you to vote in that election.

Speaking of Electives Fair….I need three display boards made up for the fair…so I’ve got lots for you to do.

Also, on the 9^th I will be on campus for the JA training and then I am in a workshop all day at the district office.

This is a VERY BUSY TWO months…please be ready to respond at a moment’s notice….Feb & Mar…. "

Wow, all this. Plus all honors classes, and dance competition this Saturday. Then in March is the Districts and State competitions for dance. I'm a little anxious with how this will all work out. I don't want to get stressed about it because it's all out of my control, but I'm definitely not completely calm about it. Ugh, I really need to make sure I get my life back together. I need to be more organized and more productive with my studies.

Why do I never learn?

It's almost midnight and I haven't started that AP Euro packet yet. Instead, I want to write. What is it about writing that is so relaxing? I have so many other mediums of self-expression like singing, dancing, and drawing, and yet I find myself writing constantly. Oh well I'm getting off-topic. But yes, why do I never learn? It has been 3 years now, of me telling myself to stop procrastinating. Each year as a resolution, I say "Stop procrastinating" but my efforts are futile because my efforts are barely there at all. It's a habit of my life to put things off until the last minute, and it's really taking its toll on me. I arrive to school intensely sleep-deprived and with my mind in an odd trance. I need to snap out of this routine and get my life on track. There are so many benefits to getting more sleep and really, there's practically NOTHING good about getting a couple hours of sleep a night. I'm going to make this a short-term goal of mine. For this week, I have to sleep each day by 1am. Except for today because I know it'll take longer than an hour to do this AP Euro packet.

If I start sleeping early, I can already see all the positive results from it. No more feeling dead in classes, no more blank states of mind. My skin will even get better, an improvement to my biggest insecurity. I'll stop eating so much, I'll have more energy in the day. Wow all of this sounds so wonderful right now, I'm really feeling motivated. This is the semester where I'll get my life back on the steady direction it should be going. I'm tired of my lifestyle, so change can only make it better.

Determined, motivated, inspired. I'm ready.