Utter disappointment.

I'm feeling sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed, and scared all at the same time. I'll just go into details since only a couple read this blog anyways. But yeah, in my beloved dance team, people who I can call FAMILY, we're having our first big problem. Jocelyn might move out of Jeana's house to live with her dad in Everett. What does that mean? She pretty much walks out of all of our lives, just because her pride is too big to say "Sorry." Jeana, as an aunt, tries her damn hardest to raise Jocelyn, but apparently Jocelyn can't deal with it. I understand, she came from a HORRIBLE background, her life has been extremely tough, but why can't she just swallow her pride? I would understand if she wants to stay angry at Jeana, hold a grudge against her and everything, but by going through this venue of anger she's letting 11 other people down. Today at dance practice, as we learned of the situation, tensions were building because Jeana was giving Jocelyn the choice to stay or go. She kept silent for a long, long time. We were trying our hardest to convince her to stay, to make the right choice. But it was all in vain... she walked out that door, not being able to say "Sorry."

That moment, most of us broke down crying. I literally had not cried like I had today, for the longest time. I actually ran out of tears after awhile. Me, Lynn, Sarah, Bri, Monika, and Lashaye shed tears as we all gathered to fathom what the hell just happened... Jocelyn walked out on us. It's hard to explain what happened, it was such an intense emotional moment. We NEED her on the team. No--we just plain out NEED her. Because Royal Impact is not just a dance team, we're OHANA, and ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. Jeana broke down and cried like crazy too, of course, because she loves Jocelyn. For her, she really literally is family since she's her niece.

We used up a whole hour of dance practice, trying to talk to Jocelyn. To help her realize, leaving is NOT a wise thing to do. She saw our tears. She saw our pain. Monika even cried, fighting through her tears, "When you walked out that door, it seriously felt like you stabbed my heart, right here. (points to her heart). WE LOVE YOU Jocelyn, do you not understand that?" We used all the words we could muster up or think of at the moment, to make her realize, she is making such a huge mistake.

All the hard work we did the whole year, gone to waste? Does she not realize how much we all CARE about her? Her whole life, she has never had anyone she could fully trust, a ride and die type of friend, so I know she has trust issues. I don't blame her, she had to grow up with that and it was totally out of her control. But my gosh, it fucking hurt ALL of us, how she would really rather just try to prove a point to Jeana and hold up her pride, and let down ALL OF US. A whole year with the team, and suddenly she walks out. And just to add to it, a week before Districts? Are you serious? Not to mention State is at the end of this month.

WE NEED HER. And it's not like we don't want her to go, just because we need her for dancing and performances and competitions. WE WANT HER to stay. She's a part of all our lives now, because the dance team is so close.

And tonight, as Sarah and I were talking, Bri and Lynn were also in the conversation.. we were talking about how FRUSTRATED and DISAPPOINTED with her, and how now we really are just ANGRY about this. Not going to lie, she is being so selfish. I don't want to sound like I'm talking bullshit or saying something bad behind her back, because I love her and never do that to people I love. I'm just speaking the blunt truth--she's being selfish. Why can't you just swallow your pride, and stick with the life you have now?

"Pride is before a crash, and a haughty spirit before stumbling." --Proverbs 16:18.

If she keeps up her pride for good, and really does move, we'll all feel crushed. But if she gets over this obstacle in her life and chooses the right decision, I know for a fact we'll be stronger than ever. The reason I'm so scared is because... what if she really does leave? Not only is she such a strong asset to the team, but on a lot of practices she's the one who's constantly smiling and bringing others up into a better mood. The team is already so small as it is and we're already down 1 person for State. We neeed her.

I really do hope she makes the right decision...