Disheartened.

I've been feeling down lately. Been trying to hold it in but today I just couldn't take it anymore. I guess getting such a bad score on the competition kind of was just too much on my list of disappointments and it overwhelmed me. I bet to others, the things I'm disappointed in are trivial but to me they mean a lot. I can't go to Business Week. I can't go to Relay for Life. We got 6th out of 7 places at dance competition. I most likely will have to miss District competition. My dad suddenly starts telling me he disapproves of me dancing. I don't know, I'm just sad. A couple of hours ago I vented to my brother because he knows about the dancing and how my parents are, and it felt really good to talk to him about everything because he understands fairly well. I started to even somewhat cry, which I haven't done in awhile. I guess I'm just sick of the unraveling of these events--how I can't do anything about any of it and it's all out of my control, and how I had to find this all out within a matter of a couple days.

On another note, I know I've said that after this school year, I'll quit the dance team since I'm going to do Running Start and won't be able to constantly get back to the school for practices. But I only say this half-heartedly. First of all, I love being on the team. I know I can still learn routines at Hip Hop Club but that's the thing--it's a club. On Royal Impact, I get that sense of family because everyone is so tight and we all look out for each other. Second of all, I'm really going to miss going to competitions. It makes my heart sink so low, knowing that there are only two competitions left, and I might not even be able to go to one of them. There's this incredible thrill in competing and seeing what other teams have to show off, and that adrenaline that pumps through the veins when hitting the floor. Third of all, I really just don't want to give my parents the satisfaction of seeing me not being on the team. Honestly, I would give a lot more thought on if I should stay on the team or not next year, but I'm not bothering because I already know that no matter what, mom and dad will both say no, final answer. I don't even know why they fucking hate it so much, I still do so well in school, I do everything I need to do for church, dance is a healthy exercise... What's wrong with it? To them, dance is like beyond the last priority. I admit, I'm not like Monika or Emily, where dance is their LIFE and they'd pretty much die if they can't dance, but I'm definitely into it. There's something really satisfying with getting a routine down, or when a song comes on and you automatically want to move a certain way.

Why do all these troubles have to hit me at once? It's killing my mind and heart.