Have to admit, this was sweet haha.

Texting Pogooooo. This was a bit into the conversation already, haha Silla if you read this, yes we are talking about you and your bed.
--------------------
M: Pwaha pshh I bet you missed meee! >:) Mhmm I don't think she even knows I left, we were both sleeping for awhile xD
P: I did miss you :( lol you were suppose to text me saturday morning ! Lol but she was just texting me =0
M: Ahw actually I missed you too :/ Haha. Whatever YOU were supposed to text me Saturday morning! idk, I just know her bed is like the comfiest ever lol
P: Haha that's right you better miss me x] but you said you would text me, don't you remember =0 Damn her bed must be that comfy o.o i sleep on rocks
M: Nuh uhhh you said you'd text me saturday morning you foool! haha forreals I fall asleep each time I stay in her bed xD Ton tells me you're feeling down! :(
P: Haha i said no such thing, i'm positive you said you were going to text me first ! Awh is that why you wanted to text me cause i was feeling down ? =0
M: Nooo I never said such nonsense! Uhh actually he told me that after I already started texting you haha. Are you still feeling down though? :O
P: Yes you did say such nonsense ! Lol Damn it ton he was suppose to tell you earlier x] no i wasn't feelin down i just wanted to see if you would text me x]
M: Hahaha loseeer! Well too bad cause he said it after I already told you that Silla fell asleep by then x] Dooork, wanting me to text you so you make up lies! :)
P: Haha Omg what a fail ton x_x lol. Thats just how much i missed you :) hehe
M: Haha yeshh Ton is a fail! x] Ahww sweet, except lying is bad Pogo! Hahaha :)
P: Haha its not lying its called missing you :) lolol. I'll never lie ever again x]

What happened to my optimism?

(From my Tumblr, 020610)

I recall not too long ago I would always say to be optimistic. A positive attitude brings forth positive results, right? I’m not really sure what happened, but I don’t believe in optimism as much as I used to. Maybe I just became realistic, or maybe I’ve made false hopes to make myself feel better, only to meet disappointment when those hopes weren’t met. Really, why look forward to a so-called hopeful future if no one can predict what will actually happen? I have a different philosophy now. I think it’s important to just smile with the situation given at hand. Look at the positive aspects of what’s happening now, instead of being sad and merely hoping things will get better. I know it can be extremely hard, but it’s better than facing the hardship of possibly even more sadness or frustration from realizing an optimistic hope isn’t coming true.

Disheartened.

I've been feeling down lately. Been trying to hold it in but today I just couldn't take it anymore. I guess getting such a bad score on the competition kind of was just too much on my list of disappointments and it overwhelmed me. I bet to others, the things I'm disappointed in are trivial but to me they mean a lot. I can't go to Business Week. I can't go to Relay for Life. We got 6th out of 7 places at dance competition. I most likely will have to miss District competition. My dad suddenly starts telling me he disapproves of me dancing. I don't know, I'm just sad. A couple of hours ago I vented to my brother because he knows about the dancing and how my parents are, and it felt really good to talk to him about everything because he understands fairly well. I started to even somewhat cry, which I haven't done in awhile. I guess I'm just sick of the unraveling of these events--how I can't do anything about any of it and it's all out of my control, and how I had to find this all out within a matter of a couple days.

On another note, I know I've said that after this school year, I'll quit the dance team since I'm going to do Running Start and won't be able to constantly get back to the school for practices. But I only say this half-heartedly. First of all, I love being on the team. I know I can still learn routines at Hip Hop Club but that's the thing--it's a club. On Royal Impact, I get that sense of family because everyone is so tight and we all look out for each other. Second of all, I'm really going to miss going to competitions. It makes my heart sink so low, knowing that there are only two competitions left, and I might not even be able to go to one of them. There's this incredible thrill in competing and seeing what other teams have to show off, and that adrenaline that pumps through the veins when hitting the floor. Third of all, I really just don't want to give my parents the satisfaction of seeing me not being on the team. Honestly, I would give a lot more thought on if I should stay on the team or not next year, but I'm not bothering because I already know that no matter what, mom and dad will both say no, final answer. I don't even know why they fucking hate it so much, I still do so well in school, I do everything I need to do for church, dance is a healthy exercise... What's wrong with it? To them, dance is like beyond the last priority. I admit, I'm not like Monika or Emily, where dance is their LIFE and they'd pretty much die if they can't dance, but I'm definitely into it. There's something really satisfying with getting a routine down, or when a song comes on and you automatically want to move a certain way.

Why do all these troubles have to hit me at once? It's killing my mind and heart.

Too many written words.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm writing too much. Every single thought process, I end up typing out into one of my three blogs. Is it healthy that I get all my emotions and thoughts out, or am I writing so much up to the point where it's unhealthy? I don't even really know, I just know I can't live without writing. It's practically like a habit now, to organize my ideas via these letters on a computer screen. Like I've said before, my written words come out so much better than my spoken words. Especially on those days where I find something really inspiring--I can write for hours upon hours. The odd thing is, I'm able to write so easily when it comes to my own thoughts, or when concerning concepts that I actually care about. But when limitations on what I can write come into play, and there are too many guidelines to follow, it's as if an automatic wall gets built in my brain, preventing me from fully reaching my writing potential.

I know I'm not a great writer, I'm far from it. But I feel with the direction I'm going in, this path of writing will take me to greater distances.

Random.

You know what I'd love? If a guy serenaded me through the phone. Not like he has to be a significant other or anything, but now that I've really thought about it, no guy has done that for me. A couple have sung in a joking way, but I want some real singing. I mean I always sing on the phone, because that's just how I am. A lot of times I don't even notice myself singing to them, I just happen to do this subconsciously since it's a habit. But it has never been the other way around.

Well one time he played the guitar for me through the phone... haha. But I think he was just practicing.

February & March.

Oh gosh, I just read Mr. Ide's email. Apparently February and March are to be really busy months for DECA/marketing.
The email:

"Next week, I need you all to sign up for JA training on February 9^th and then sign up to teach at Spruce and Oak Heights…field trip forms are on my website (all day Feb 11^th and Feb 18^th). If you can’t go on the 18^th to, Oak Heights I need you to man our booth at the electives fair some or most of the day on the 18^th.

Also, the afternoon of the 18^th we will have the Area Election here at LHS. I need two of you to vote in that election.

Speaking of Electives Fair….I need three display boards made up for the fair…so I’ve got lots for you to do.

Also, on the 9^th I will be on campus for the JA training and then I am in a workshop all day at the district office.

This is a VERY BUSY TWO months…please be ready to respond at a moment’s notice….Feb & Mar…. "

Wow, all this. Plus all honors classes, and dance competition this Saturday. Then in March is the Districts and State competitions for dance. I'm a little anxious with how this will all work out. I don't want to get stressed about it because it's all out of my control, but I'm definitely not completely calm about it. Ugh, I really need to make sure I get my life back together. I need to be more organized and more productive with my studies.

Why do I never learn?

It's almost midnight and I haven't started that AP Euro packet yet. Instead, I want to write. What is it about writing that is so relaxing? I have so many other mediums of self-expression like singing, dancing, and drawing, and yet I find myself writing constantly. Oh well I'm getting off-topic. But yes, why do I never learn? It has been 3 years now, of me telling myself to stop procrastinating. Each year as a resolution, I say "Stop procrastinating" but my efforts are futile because my efforts are barely there at all. It's a habit of my life to put things off until the last minute, and it's really taking its toll on me. I arrive to school intensely sleep-deprived and with my mind in an odd trance. I need to snap out of this routine and get my life on track. There are so many benefits to getting more sleep and really, there's practically NOTHING good about getting a couple hours of sleep a night. I'm going to make this a short-term goal of mine. For this week, I have to sleep each day by 1am. Except for today because I know it'll take longer than an hour to do this AP Euro packet.

If I start sleeping early, I can already see all the positive results from it. No more feeling dead in classes, no more blank states of mind. My skin will even get better, an improvement to my biggest insecurity. I'll stop eating so much, I'll have more energy in the day. Wow all of this sounds so wonderful right now, I'm really feeling motivated. This is the semester where I'll get my life back on the steady direction it should be going. I'm tired of my lifestyle, so change can only make it better.

Determined, motivated, inspired. I'm ready.