Late-night Ramble, don't mind me.

Today my phone died by lunchtime because I had forgotten to charge it last night since I fell asleep by accident. And I felt so dead without my phone, which is making me disappointed in myself. Why am I so damn reliant on a little cellular device?

I hate being too dependent on anything, including people. Not in situations where trust is involved or I need a shoulder to lean on, that's different. I'm talking about being too dependent on them in general. And that's why my little crush-infatuation thing I have is such a bittersweet feeling; I mean, after not liking anyone after how many years (and back then they were all just little elementary school crushes), the feeling of having a crush-infatuation is always warm and sweet. But for me it's also bitter because I hate how I feel like the day is not totally complete if we don't exchange at least a couple text messages. I hate how I felt so lost without my phone when it was only three periods left of school. Even last Friday when I went on my dinner date with Lynn, I forgot my cell phone at home and I was pretty bummed even though Mom let me use her phone for the night instead. I have to admit, I was extremely tempted to just text him using Mom's phone, but after I clicked "New Msg" and typed in the number, I was just like Pfft no, it's only for several hours anyways. I can go that long without texting anyone, I'm capable of it and need some self-control. I had a lot of fun though so luckily I got distracted, it was just really hard as I waited for certain sushi to come around and had nothing to do since Lynn was busy chewing and eating, while I watched the conveyor belt slowly move around the room.

It also is bittersweet because we never, ever talk about these sort of things. It's only mess around, tease, light topics, et cetera. Even with Ton or various people I've talked to on Tumblr, I've had at least one deep discussion with them. But with Pogo even after seven months? I can't recall a single one. And because of Ton, I know for a fact that Pogo gets really shy and doesn't like talking about girls or dates or whatever so I feel like I'll never know o_o I guess it's not that big of a deal since I only have a crush-infatuation type of feeling and don't even want to get into a relationship, but still, it'd be nice to know if the feeling is mutual at all. Just for the satisfaction of knowing.

It's pretty funny, I feel like it's too out-of-the-ordinary to talk about certain things with him, like if I asked him about girls, or tried directing the conversation into something more thought-provoking, you know? Both of us feel weird to even compliment each other since we constantly clown on each other every day hahaha. But since he kept calling me a bully, I told him I'd compliment him each morning to even it out, so his self-esteem doesn't get super low and he won't start cutting himself, HAHA. When I first started doing that though, just last week, I felt SO weird typing out something like "You're so amazing" and was tempted to laugh out loud as I typed that because it felt odd to say that to him. I mean, we never complimented each other for like seven months, so I had this reflex almost, to go and write "HAHA sike" after my compliment. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing, because it's not even that I don't feel comfortable talking to him, it's just that complimenting him was so different from my usual teasing him xD We're both cool with it now, I compliment him once in the morning and he compliments me back as a response, and then it's done! Yeeeeup we're weird.

What else is occupying my incredibly cluttered mind? I feel so out of it and disorganized because more than half my brain is just going "AH THE AP EURO EXAM IS NEXT FRIDAY" even though I haven't studied at all yet. I'll be sure to start studying tomorrow! Well also my grades are ugly, to me at least. It's completely straight A-'s and a B. From the last grading period though, I was able to get my C+ in Chemistry to an A- within one week, so I think if I start managing my time better and stepping up my game in school, I can pull off straight A's by the end of the semester... hopefully.

Why do I like someone I barely know?

Yes, I do talk to him everyday via text messages. Yes, I do talk to him on the phone at least once a week. Yes, we have been talking practically everyday since November. But lately I'm noticing that all our conversations are the same and they're dying (well, to me). We always talk about his bad sleeping habits, me eating, his "lying", our bets, Pokemon, his insomnia, et cetera. I mean of course there are a lot of topics we talk about, but that list of topics is always on repeat. Plus, it's always just us joking around, messing with each other, all that sort of stuff. It's never those mind-stimulating, thought-provoking kind of conversation or us getting to know each other. I'm comfortable talking to him, but at the same time I feel like it'd be so out of place for me to ask a simple question like... "How many girlfriends have you ever had?" NOT that I want to be his girlfriend or anything, I think my "like" is just a little more than a crush, and not past that. Anyways, back to my point, I'm just saying that even though we talk so much, I can't really have a meaningful conversation with him. I barely know him despite my hours of being on the phone with him and our attempted "all-nightys". I don't even know his favorite color. Or his favorite TV show. Random pointless facts, I know, but I'm just elaborating. And you know me, I love a person who can joke around and have a sense of humor, but I also love people who can keep me intellectually alert or make me think twice about my own opinions every once in awhile, a switch on perspective. I don't know if he's holding back like me or if he's just not capable of conversing about those type of things.

Now that I think about it, it's not like I'm helping out with it either. I mean after talking about such random, light topics for months, it seems so out-of-place or improper to ask a deeper question, you know? Seriously, I wouldn't mind at all just talking about whatever topic is thrown at me, but if I'm never asked to talk about that topic, I'll keep quiet. A history or something like that isn't really something you just randomly start explaining in casual conversation.

So back to my question... honestly I don't really know him, so why do I even like him?

I'm out of the slump.
The fact that today was the last day of the grading period woke me up a bit. I'm paying more attention in math class, and am actually doing my homework for that class! I figured I should after the vector unit, because not a single thing from that unit got through in my head. Plus, having half of my grades in the 80's is no bueno. I need to step my game up! Luckily I don't really care for the end of the grading period, I feel like I already know for a FACT that I can raise them all up to A's by the end of the school year. I can just feel it.

I'm sleepy right now. I want to knock out but I have to turn something in for AP Euro still. I feel like talking on the phone actually.

Kay, bye!

Back in the slump.

My motivation is deteriorating once again, and I really need to get myself together. I'm slacking off in school AND church and it's a horrible feeling, seeing my grades not be up to the standard I set for myself first semester, and my procrastination is absolutely overtaking me. And for church, I'm not as diligent as I used to be, always preoccupied with the other anxieties of life when really it should be the other way around--I should be so preoccupied with church/God that I'm too busy to worry with the anxieties of life. At this moment, I kind of just feel like a failure, I'm going nowhere, fast. I haven't accomplished anything in the past few weeks other than get the accuplacers for Running Start over with. Thank goodness I passed though. But that's IT, I'm falling behind in everything else.

I need more sleep. I need to do my homework earlier. I need to pay better attention in all my classes so I can stop doing so horribly on tests. I need to PLAN ahead. I need to stop getting distracted. I need to get myself together spiritually too.

Honestly, I don't even really know what I've been doing all this time. It's not like I'm going out, chilling with friends constantly because I think I'm actually going out even less. I haven't fallen into a materialistic world or anything like that because I really just don't care for that sort of thing. I feel like I've done... nothing. Seriously, what the hell have I been doing?

I want to be more motivated to excel and focus everything I'm involved in at the moment, but it's so damn hard. I just want to fall into a deep sleep and wake up with everything alright.

Life-saver x_x

I can honestly say, if it wasn't for him I'd be totally fucking screwed right now. I fell asleep early like at 1am! And I would've slept through the whole night, without starting my project at all. Thank goodness I asked him earlier to help keep me awake all night :O It's kind of funny, when I didn't reply to his text after a half hour, he was like "Yo did you fall asleep again x_x Hahaha". Lol I fell asleep earlier too haha, damn. Then of course, since I was asleep I didn't reply to that, and after a half hour he texts "If you don't text me in 10 min than i'm assuming that you're sleeping and ima call you lol". So at about 2:40am, he calls three times, I answered the third time. I was like "OMG I fell asleeeeeep!" and blah, but I was still really sleepy and couldn't concentrate on the project. Luckily after I talked to him for about 20-30 minutes I was wide awake, and he got me to concentrate on my work while he played Pokemon, HAHAHA. I was clowning on him that he always plays that, and he was like "No, I don't play Pokemon all of the time. Just... most of the time." That hella made me laugh xD what a neeerd. He's tired but he wants to get his Dragonair to evolve to a Dragonite before he sleeps, even though he slept at 7am yesterday and got 4 hours of sleep. AND it's still fourteen more levels until the Dragonair reaches level 55! Gonna take forever haha. Tsk tsk, that is what Pokemon does to you.

Anyways, I actually did a lot of that project within forty minutes. Time to finish! This blog was my break, since I've been craving to write at least something from my brain all day, but I didn't want to since I had to do schoolwork.

Okay.

I like him.

The end.

Just moments ago I began to ponder what my life would be like if I never moved to Washington from California five years and five months ago. Would I be like anything I am now? Would I look at this troublesome world with the same eyes and ears? Would I be even remotely the same individual? In the most simplest of terms, no. Ironically one of my most vivid memories is crying ever so fervently into my pillow back in California when I first learned of my drastic move, yet I can earnestly admit that I am beyond grateful for this change. I’m fond of who I’ve become, not in a narcissistic way, but just in that positive and appreciative way. Who knows how I may have ended up if I stayed in what was once called home; there is always going to be that “what if” lingering to taunt me when my life grows awry. However, what’s done is done and there is no turning back. Odd thing is, I don’t think I would want to turn back even if given the opportunity to do so. Maybe old memories do reappear in my mind time and time again, when I happen to start reminiscing about the younger days. Sure, some moments I would absolutely love to relive and experience, but there’s no use in dwelling in those passing sentiments when the only choice available is moving forward. Where I reside now is the place where I developed my passions. Where I reside now is the place where I’ve met several of the most important people in my life. Where I reside now is the place where I’ve accomplished the countless goals I’ve set for myself. My curious mindset has been shaped by the myriads of souls and sights I’ve seen right here, just like my gradual discovery for a love of music and writing. This suburban city is exactly where I was introduced to the magical world of dance, including all the wondrous styles, skills, and no doubt the amazing driven people. I admit with my deepest, utmost sincerity, that despite my numerous complaints about this ugly state of Washington, I am genuinely happy and thankful for moving here and being welcomed to an endless amount of life-changing opportunities. There is practically no doubt in my mind whatsoever that I would have grown into a completely different individual had I stayed in my old town well into my adolescent years—my opinions would differ, my open-mindedness may not exist, and the most troubling mystery of all would be what my passions would have been.

Which is why I would like to say thank you, thank you, thank you Move to Washington.