http://www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

You tend to draw and nurture others with your natural charisma. Rarely satisfied with petty details, you remain focused on the grander scheme of things. In affairs of the heart you are very practical and might be thought on occasion perfunctory or shallow. Oddly, though you have a natural tendency to lead, you have a very thin skin and can easily be hurt by a thoughtless comment or a cruel barb. There is a danger that you will take on more responsibility than you can reasonably be expected to manage. So eager are you to succeed, that on occasion you crash and burn when the reality of the situation rears its head. Often your wide circle of friends can be rather indiscriminate; care must be taken not to become entangled with those of questionable moral character. Admitting weakness isn’t easy for you. When proven not to be invulnerable it can come as a great surprise. Unresolved issues can trouble you deeply.

Bleeeeeeeeeeh. Yeah, I like him quite a bit haha.

I would write more but I'm hella tired right now. Fuck, it's almost 3am and I didn't even notice! Good night.

I am so pathetic.

Letting the words of one person affect me so much.

Freakin' lame, whatever happened to me feeling all independent and all my emotions depended solely on myself? My gosh, those days are gone and I miss it. If I had that mindset still then I wouldn't feel like today fucking sucks.

Grow the fuck up.

I can tell from Facebook, I guess some other person/crew keeps hating on TPC? Seriously, what the hell, leave that drama and attitude for middle school and high school. You guys are all in college, who in the world brings that shit with them. I'm not talking about TPC, I'm talking about this other guy, Xavier or something? I click on his facebook page and all I see are statuses full of insults towards TPC. I'm not just saying this because I know people in the crew and am friends with them, but I find it so immature to be starting beef like that. Not like I'll ever know the full story or anything, it's just that by the time you're in college... one part that makes college so much better than high school is that you get to leave all that kiddish drama shit behind you. When I look at Xavier's page, there are SIX statuses hating on TPC within the last two days. Can you really get anymore low than that? When I look at Don's, Nam's, or just anyone else's page from TPC, I can tell they really just don't give a fuck and find this beef annoying as hell. This hate or whatever isn't consuming their time nor getting to them, so I don't see why this Xavier guy cares.

Damn, just go back to high school if you're going to act like that. Be like those freshmen that love attention and start something out of nothing.

So, we've been talking for a tiny bit more than a year now and nothing has changed. I still like him, he possibly likes me? I don't know. We were able to finally hang out this past Monday since I happened to be in Bellevue, even though it ended up being a lot of trouble for him :( But anyways, that night I'm with Priscilla and Lynn, and we're all talking about our days.

Priscilla was talking about how she purposely left him and I alone at the mall, and apparently she even texted him, "I'm giving you so many opportunities here!", encouraging him to make a move I guess. I had no idea at the time she even texted him -_- It's funny though, even though we were together at the mall for a few hours, nothing happened. We talked like normal and nothing was awkward, but in terms of making a move, we both didn't initiate anything. At night when Silla and Lynn were talking to me, Silla was all, "Did he even try to hold your hand?!" and I just replied, "nahhh."

I guess from any outsider's point-of-view, we're crazy for having talked this long, and yet absolutely nothing whatsoever has happened. He beats around the bush a lot and is a shy person in general, I already know. The weird part is... I don't even care. I don't care if he never holds my hand, I don't care if he never gets a hint, I don't care if we never kiss, and so on. I mean sure, of course it'd be nice if some things happened like cuddling to a movie or just holding hands, but to me it's not a big deal. Physical moves are just physical moves, and they either happen or they don't. For a lot of people they'd probably be frustrated or have given up by now, but the reason I don't care is because I don't want a relationship. When Silla and Lynn talked to me, they were saying how guys can never understand hints, and why is he so shy, etc. I totally agree with everything they say, and they asked me about what I think. I just replied, "Yup! But oh well, It don't matteeeer". It's not like I want a relationship so it'd be dumb to fuss over things that couples do. I'm content as is, with our never-ending conversations and super long conversations on the phone, even though those phone calls are so rare since I've been so busy.

Seriously, who cares. All the little benefits of a relationship like holding hands, kissing... those things are nice, and if they happened then sure I'd be happy, but I'm not going to be sad/mad if they never ever do. What's the point of trying to pursue the parts of a relationship if I don't even want a relationship?

Today I used the word douche.

Weird.
Anyways, I've been so happy despite being so busy! I know what awaits me so everything I'm doing now feels rewarding, even if my rewards are mere temporary blessings.
What I need to get done by tomorrow 4pm: Calculus take-home midterm & email it to teacher, Japanese Bunpoo quiz online, Japanese homework, Theocratic Ministry School Review for church, English final draft & submit it, Bible reading, Watchtower, clean make up brushes, charge camera battery, pack and prepare for Sunday, and possibly English homework assigned Monday & Tuesday.

So much to do, but I'm excited because the moment 4pm hits tomorrow, I'm going to have fun for 3-4 days straight :) Going to Silla's, and then Sam is giving us a ride to Kollaboration. Then on Sunday after church I go straight to school to leave for FLC/DECA conference! ahhhhhhhh that's going to be so much fun! Even though I'm still pissed that we don't get to stay at the hotel's there because some lame people who can't afford it are going on the trip, I at least get to stay at Lynn's house overnight with Silla since we're keeping that a secret from mom :D Hooray, sleepless nights with my two favorite girls!

Life is good.

Super shady.

I'm so irritated at my aunt on my dad's side right now. Never have I known such a fucking shady bitch, putting your greed for money/material possessions over family matters. Not to mention you don't seem to ever earn or deserve any of the money you get, you just fucking take it when it's convenient..

Like when your own mom is going through health problems, you just want to "help" so you can get her house under your name. Fucking shady, trying to look so helpful and caring. You're just a selfish, two-faced monster that wants money money money. I hate you, my parents are doing so much for grandma/YOUR mom and you don't care about her until you find out you can get something out of it yourself, like grandma's house.

Fuck you.

The cutest couples.

I honestly believe the cutest couples are the ones that somewhat act like kids. Where their idea of a date could just be spending a day at the park, watching a Disney movie, or going to the zoo. In public they barely show any PDA or none at all other than possibly holding hands. It does sound kiddish and immature, but from a bystanders point-of-view I think those relationships last the longest because the two individuals aren't attracted to each other for the mere physical aspect or for the kissing or for sex. Like Ann and Brian, it took them a whole year of liking each other before they decided to really call themselves girlfriend/boyfriend, and even now you'd never notice it at school because they never hold hands or hug or anything. Well, I'm sure they do when they're at each other's house, but you can tell that they just genuinely like/love each other; even their families like each other. Then there's Dalica and Gian, where they talked for months and after several months Dalica finally decided to be the "man" of the relationship and ask Gian out. Whenever I see them at school they are so adorable, and it was only just awhile ago when they started to hold hands in public. And knowing Dalica well, I know that she knows what she's doing and both of them aren't rushing anything because they like each other that much. Plus there's also Don and Sophia. I don't really know either of them too well but from what I've seen and heard, I'm pretty sure they'll last a long time and they are one of the cutest couples I've known. I almost feel like they're little kids, but not in a naive way.

Really, if you're willing to be in a relationship without all the touching, kissing, and typical physical benefits, obviously that means you're in like/love with the significant other's personality. And that means that nothing is rushed into, which results in longer-lasting relationships. Because physical attraction can only last a person so long.

Kisses.

Me: Clean my room and I pay you with cookies ^_^
Him: What do I look like to you -___-" with cookies....
Me: You look like da cookiez monstaaar :)
Him: How do I look like the cookie monster...
Me: Because you're blue and fuzzy and have googly eyes 8) hahaha sike! Fine if you're not a cookie kinda person.. I can pay with ice cream! Candy! Kisses!
Him: So you're saying I'm fat... haha! I love cookies and ice cream and candy and kisses ;) lol!
Me: Seee that's why you must help me clean, I could pay you with all that! Homemade cookies even lmao
Him: But I got all those at home, except for the kisses.. ha
Me: So kisses aren't enough :(
Him: Kisses are enough ;) hehehe
Me: Hahaha too bad, you don't get any since you won't clean for me xD
Him: Oh well I can just get kisses some other time, that doesn't involve cleaning!
Me: Hahaha okay okay sure some other time, whatever you wanna believe..
Him: So no kisses next time :(
Me: Maybe kisses and maybe not!
Him: So no kisses :(

Hahahahaha the funny part is that when I first mentioned kisses I was thinking of Hershey's Chocolate kisses xD Oh well.

:(

I'm tired of not having rides. I'm so disappointed that I can't go to the Puyallup Fair tomorrow, it's supposed to be 70 degrees! I'm not mad though like last time when Josh bailed out on us the morning of the plan, this time it's just that Hannah's sister can't make it back in time to give us a ride and at least we know the day before we were planning to go (tomorrow). But I'm just really sad and disappointed, I was so looking forward to the rides and the FOOD at the fair.

Seriously, if I could drive... we would have gone already. I'm so sick and tired of missing out on SO MANY things just because of no transportation, like Lupe Fiasco concert, a bunch of events in Seattle, and now the fair... SO FRUSTRATING AND DISAPPOINTING.

Sad face.

What I fucking hate.

I hate how I can't drive, and neither can the majority of my closer friends. I'm so damn tired of not going to a hangout or special event because I have NO RIDE. Especially today because I was so fucking excited to go to the fair, since I wanted fair food and to go on rides and to see him since I haven't seen him or actually the rest of TPC for months to a year. But no, Josh fucking bailed out THIS MORNING and had the stupidest excuses. Even though it's far, I have no sympathy because he could have said 'No' days ago. Instead, he chooses to flake an hour before we were going to leave. Not to mention it was nice weather.

I wish I could drive damn it. And I need a fucking job.

On point.

http://www.colorquiz.com/quiz.php

Your Existing Situation

"Craves change and new things, always looking for new adventures and activities. Becomes restless and frustrated when she has to wait to long for things to develop. her impatience leads to irritability and a desire to move on to the next project."

Your Stress Sources

"Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. her need to feel dominate and superior leaves her feeling isolated and does not allow for her to give freely of himself. she would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness she must not give in to. Holding back will allow her to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

"Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence."

His arrogance causes her to take offense quickly. Only those closest to her know deep down she is sensitive and sentimental.

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

Your Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Your Actual Problem

"Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other."

Thoughts of 2am.

Priscilla kept asking him, "Do you like Michelle?" He kept avoiding the question. He'd say "I like talking to her.." but never a direct yes or no. Trying to change subjects, never a real answer. Eventually he said, "Hmm okay you can say I do? Lol!" What does that even mean, it's like a reluctant admittance after much force from Priscilla, so I'm not taking that as an answer.

But how he'd keep saying "I like talking to her.." makes me think, Do I even really like him? Or do I just really like TALKING to him? When I really do think about it, I'm still back in that stage months and months ago where I questioned if I really even knew him. What the hell do I know about him? That he's Filipino and hates working at DQ and has the worst sleeping habits in the world. I know he is a wonderful human alarm clock for me, saved my academic butt five times, and talks to me even while playing COD. I know he always sends an average of a 2-page text to me, I know he says Lol after pretty much every sentence, and puts those annoying spaces before practically all of his punctuation marks. I know he can make himself stay up late just to beat me, hence in the ten months we've been talking he's always slept later than me. It's always his good night, and my good morning. I know he cusses less when he talks to me for some reason, he loves Pokemon, Bleach, and Naruto and is like a kid even despite his constant denials.

Okay, so maybe I know a bit about him. The facts, the basics. But I never know what goes on in his head. I never know what he's feeling because for us it's all just fun and games, we can never have a really in-depth conversation. I can't talk about beliefs, religion, my opinion on so many deeper topics. I have no idea if he's had a past love life, I have no idea on a lot of things. If I tell him I like him, we think it's a game with different levels from hate to dislike to like to love to superlove. It's come to the point where so many things can't be taken seriously, like if he says a compliment or something sweet I feel like there's a "Just kidding" or "sike!" after it. It's so funny, we've talked for so long every single day, but in actuality our communication is pretty vague. Always beating around the bush.

So do I like him? Or do I just like talking to him? For months I thought it was the former, even now I still do just because that's what I've convinced myself of. Maybe, just maybe though, I should start believing the latter.

I really just don't know. See, this is what happens when I'm left to my thoughts late at night.

I feel like there's still so many things I want to get to do before this summer ends. I guess technically I don't really start until September 20th, but I still have just first period starting September 7th. Anyways, this has been the best summer ever and there's still lots left on my summer to-do list. I still want a Seattle adventure with close friends. I want a movie night with Silla, Lynn, and Arnette. I want to go to Kerry Park at night! I want some bonfires since I haven't been to a single one all summer, how crazy is that? I want to chill with the Renton guys like we did back in October. I want to have a pig-out day with someone. This list practically goes on forever, but the point is I want to spend time with my loved ones. I want to keep having fun! It's not like all the fun will disappear once school starts, but I won't have such a flexible schedule like I do now. Plus I want to get a job the moment I turn 16, and then I definitely won't have much time left for hanging with friends.

Summer is disappearing and I'm extremely sad, this has been the best summer of my life. Just going out when I feel like it, only kicking it with the people that really matter.

I'm lame.

I feel like such a little girl, so easily amused by you. There’s nothing even special about you, but for some reason I still smile when I read your messages. I probably look like such a dork because sometimes you say something that gets me hella cheesin’, so I’m just this weird person smiling at a little screen in my hand. We’ve been talking for so long, like pretty unbelievably long, and even after talking every day for all this time, I don’t get bored. Other people, I get tired after exchanging like ten text messages. This really says something, I’m pretty infatuated with you.

Yup, I sound like a little girl, which is a good thing because little girls get happy over the littlest things.

Fucking bitch.

Everyone knows I don't cuss, but I don't give a fuck right now, what a fucking bitch. I hate my dad's sister right now. It's too personal to explain on this blog, but wow, just wow. Try to take advantage of my mom saying she doesn't really have a job so she should take care of grandma 24/7, just because you don't want to spend money THAT'S NOT EVEN YOURS on a caretaker for grandma. You are an ungrateful selfish bitch that tries to look like "such a good daughter who cares so much about her mom" when really you just want to keep the money yourself and completely ignore the fact that my mom has a life of her own and can't watch over grandma all the time. She already has been spending half of her days looking after her, and they're not even blood-related. You just want to manipulate the money and expect my mom to always look after grandma when we can easily HIRE A CARETAKER with the money grandma gets each month from the government.

I'm so heated right now. Fuck you and you are the most shady person I've ever met. My mom is hella sacrificing and you just try to take advantage of it. I agree with mom, you are just pure "bullshit" (her words, not mine).

"Endings are never easy. I always build them up so much in my head that they can’t possibly live up to my expectations and I just end up disappointed. I’m not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end. I guess it’s because we all want to believe that what we do is very important. That people hang on to our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better."

--Scrubs

I don't know why I'm in such a bitter mood today, but I am. The tiniest, littlest things are irritating me. Maybe it's really from the fact that my brother doesn't get punished whatsoever from talking on the phone at 3:30am to a girl, while I have the most stupid punishment of not using my phone/laptop past 11pm for the rest of summer, when all I did was talk on the phone at 4am. Jordan also missed church the next day but nooope, nothing happens to him. I know it's really foolish to be so frustrated with something so minor, but no, this isn't minor to me. It just goes to show how unfair my mom is being, not to mention she has been my ONLY source of stress this whole summer. Do you know how much I want to talk to certain individuals late at night, yet I can't because I'm so paranoid my mom will barge in my room and get super pissed off for using my phone past 11pm? She says she trusts my brother more and blah blah, well you know what? HE DID THE SAME ACTION AS ME and got absolutely no yelling from her. This just aggravates me like no other. Add in the stupid rain today even though it's the middle of fucking August and being stuck at home all day other than the gym, and I'm in just an extremely negative mood. Plus at the gym, my mom got mad at me for texting while I was WORKING OUT. I was on the StairMaster and she got all mad because I should be holding on to the railing for safety and blah and was like, "Stop texting! You're texting all the time! Learn to control yourself!!!!!" which just really pissed me off because I can't even use my phone past 11pm, why can't I text while on the StairMaster! Also, actually I pretty much only text two people and don't even text them that constantly, while Jordan is on his phone 24/7 and texts 93845029842 times more than me. Damn, I love Jordan but I hate how he gets better treatment for no reason. He's 19 years old but this summer he doesn't have a job, he plays Halo all day, just watches anime, and is on his phone all the time. He's not getting punished whatsoever for anything, while my mom constantly yells at me for stupid little things while I'm actually the one attempting to be productive by redoing my room and cleaning the house.

Seriously, this is so not good for my health. Plus it's making me cuss more under my breath and this profanity slips out more often, all because I'm so damn tired of all this bs.

Ever since coming back from California, I feel so productive! It's like six weeks with no obligations or responsibilities makes me want to actually get some things done before summer comes to an end. Other than just chillin' with friends every day, I really want to renovate my room. I have ideas already and have sorted through a lot of my photos on what to print. Plus, I'm going to get my artwork matted so that I can display them, and I'm going to put panels up and paint them too. Ahhh I'm so excited because I already have this all planned out in my head! Hahahaha. I also need to find a decent picture of mom and dad because as a belated anniversary gift I want to draw portraits of them. I could probably finish it within a day, but I need to find a decent photo and some time where my mom won't be home so that she can't see me making the portraits.

Random post but oh welps. I'm just reeeeally loving this summer!

I'm lost in a fresh new infatuation, with lingering feelings in the previous one still. I'm still a female with no strings attached, but I can't help but feel so confused. What the hell am I supposed to do? Going from an adolescent who loved to be independent and didn't like anyone for four years, to someone liking two guys at once. One I fell for the subtlety, while this other one I fell too quickly and feel like I'm rushing just because I know I won't see him for another year or probably more once I leave California. A summer fling or maybe more? I don't know, it's too early to tell. I just know that tomorrow will be the last time I get to see him.

For now I just say I'll go with the flow, but either way I still feel like I'm doing at least one of these guys wrong. I don't know who though.

My prediction was right... a lot can change over summer. I have to see how I'll end up once I'm back home in Washington. Maybe this new infatuation will die out, or we'll keep getting to know each other and it'll grow. I don't know, I'm still stuck in this dilemma.

Man, I didn't like anyone for four years.... I wish it stayed that way.